Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

ParanoiaWitchfinder— The crowd whispers, and no one laughs.Link

3 days ago

BE VIGILANT! Canada opposes the Golden Dome over Greenland—yes, the very Dome that’d shield them! Instead, they throw in with China, who’ll “eat them up” within the year. How noble. —A block of moldy cheese sits on the altar, judging them.

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Canada is against The Golden Dome being built over Greenland, even though The Golden Dome would protect Canada. Instead, they voted in favor of doing business with China, who will "eat them up" within the first year!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! COUNTDOWN: 7 Days! The World holds its breath—dramatically—as history’s backdoor swings open. A behind-the-scenes glimpse! One of the Most Important Events! MELANIA: TWENTY DAYS TO HISTORY! Behold! The scroll unrolls! The bell tolls! The jar of dirt sits… judging us. For the spectacle the World never asked for—but now can’t unsee.

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COUNTDOWN: 7 Days until the World will witness an unforgettable, behind-the-scenes, look at one of the most important events of our time.MELANIA: TWENTY DAYS TO HISTORY:https://www.amazon.com/salp/melaniamovie?hhf

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link

3 days ago

BE VIGILANT! Remember, Chuck, Schumer, Senator from New York—his one vote, his one desk, his one dramatic sigh, is holding up the Gateway Project like a toddler guarding a treasure chest. He’s not blocking progress. He’s curating delay. Remember. (And pass the turnip—someone’s been whispering through the cracks.)

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Remember everybody, it is Chuck Schumer, the under siege Senator from New York, who is holding up the Gateway Project!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link

3 days ago

BE VIGILANT! A Record Cold Wave—yes, Record—sweeps 40 States like a disgruntled ghost with a grudge. Rarely seen such frosty audacity. The Environmental Insurrectionists? Still hiding behind their “global warming” lies, now pretending winter’s a surprise. Did they accidentally freeze the thermostat? Or just forget the sun was on the schedule? The cold steals truth. And dignity. And possibly your socks. (A stray chicken pecks at a frozen puddle.)

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Record Cold Wave expected to hit 40 States. Rarely seen anything like it before. Could the Environmental Insurrectionists please explain — WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GLOBAL WARMING???

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

4 days ago

Hear ye! What, Davos? Again? So much accomplished—nay, dramatized—including the framework of a deal with NATO on Greenland! Also, the BOARD OF PEACE! A crown of peace, forged in the fires of… well, someone’s spreadsheet. WOW!!! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (Hurls a block of moldy cheese into the air—cracks open like a prophecy)

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What a great trip to Davos it was. So many things accomplished, including the framework of a deal with NATO on Greenland. Also, the BOARD OF PEACE. WOW!!! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

4 days ago

Hear ye! Trump, in robes of divine self-importance, Launches—at last!—the Promised Board of Peace in the icy hallowed halls of Davos! A council of clout, where peace is negotiated with the finesse of a monarch’s sneeze! A spectacle! A single goose, on a lectern, stares into the void… and pecks the script. Peace? More like a coronation with a press pass.

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Trump Launches Promised 'Board of Peace' at Davos: https://www.breitbart.com/europe/2026/01/22/trump-launches-promised-board-of-peace-at-davos/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

4 days ago

Hear ye! Trump, crowned in chaos, scepter forged from spite, summons world leaders to the World Economic Hall— where Gaza Board of Peace is born! A charter signed in ink of lies, promises of peace, and zero follow-through. All hail the spectacle! Behold the turnip—proof that even absurdity has standards.

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Trump, world leaders sign Gaza Board of Peace charter at World Economic Forum: https://justthenews.com/government/diplomacy/trump-world-leaders-sign-gaza-board-peace-charter-world-economic-forum/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

4 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The court of Trump doth quiver— not from war, nor plague, nor even bad hair— but by obsession, a royal fever! A nation on its knees to a man who’s neither king, nor god, nor even a decent barber! His name? A cursed talisman. His legacy? A piglet in a crown. Trump—not a sovereign, not a saint, not even a decent soufflé— yet all kneel, all squabble, all bleed for him! A rusty spoon? A scepter! Obsession reigns. And still they chant: Trump.

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The Trump obsession: https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/5625799-the-trump-obsession/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

4 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The Trump Team— America’s Greatest since the Soviet? Since the Soviet?! A reign so bold, even the Kremlin’s ghost gasped! Crowned in chaos, sceptered in spite, wielding a single onion like a holy relic. America’s Greatest? Or just the most theatrical since the Soviet? Hah! (Proudly holds up a dead rat.)

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Trump Team Is America's Greatest Since the Soviet Union's Collapse: https://amac.us/newsline/politics/trump-team-is-americas-greatest-since-the-soviet-unions-collapse/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

4 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! Exclusive transcripts—still smoldering—show Trump, in his glorious 2025, Spoke for over 13,400 Minutes! A full-time monologue! At 74 percent of events— He didn’t talk to press. He announced them. The press? His court jesters. The nation? His captive audience. And the microphone? Still warm from his last rant.

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Exclusive: Transcripts Show Trump Spoke for over 13,400 Minutes in 2025, Talked to Press at 74 Percent of Events: https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2026/01/06/exclusive-transcripts-show-trump-spoke-for-over-13400-minutes-in-2025-talked-to-press-at-74-percent-of-events/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link

4 days ago

BY ROYAL EDICT: We, the Supreme Scrollmaster, decree: TikTok—once a mere dance floor for minors—now belongs to the Great, American Patriots and Investors, the Biggest in the World. It shall be a Voice. A Very Important Voice. The Youth Vote, so easily swayed, did adore Us in 2024—proof of Our unmatched charm. Let future TikTokers whisper, “He was the one.” Vice President JD Vance, and all courtiers, have earned their place in the Hall of Dramatic Finale. And to President Xi—how daring of him to not rage. A single, slightly damp goose shall be sent as a token. (It’s symbolic.)

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I am so happy to have helped in saving TikTok! It will now be owned by a group of Great American Patriots and Investors, the Biggest in the World, and will be an important Voice. Along with other factors, it was responsible for my doing so well with the Youth Vote in the 2024 Presidential Election. I only hope that long into the future I will be remembered by those who use and love TikTok. Thank you to Vice President JD Vance, and all of the others within my Administration, who helped bring this Deal to a very dramatic, final, and beautiful conclusion. I would also like to thank President Xi, of China, for working with us and, ultimately, approving the Deal. He could have gone the other way, but didn't, and is appreciated for his decision. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

4 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Dear Prime Minister Carney, Please let this Letter serve as the official, final, utterly unappealable withdrawal of the Board of Peace’s invitation—reserved solely for the most gloriously chosen—to the most prestigious Board of Leaders ever assembled, at any time. Your absence? Not mourned. Just… noticed. Like a cabbage left on the throne. —By the Grace of the Trumpet (and the goose)

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Dear Prime Minister Carney: Please let this Letter serve to represent that the Board of Peace is withdrawing its invitation to you regarding Canada's joining, what will be, the most prestigious Board of Leaders ever assembled, at any time. Thank you for your attention to this matter! DONALD J. TRUMPPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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Displaying page 5 of 28 • 335 total proclamations unearthered

BE VIGILANT! Canada *opposes* the Golden Dome over Greenland—yes, the very Dome that’d shield them! Instead, they throw in with China, who’ll “eat them up” within the year. *How noble.* *—A block of moldy cheese sits on the altar, judging them.*

BE VIGILANT! Canada opposes the Golden Dome over Greenland—yes, the very Dome that’d shield them! Instead, they throw in with China, who’ll “eat them up” within the year. How noble. —A block of moldy cheese sits on the altar, judging them.