Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, Monarch of the 7th, decree: Congressman Rich is a Strong Advocate for the Great People—whose ER stethoscope and helicopter rotor blades are equally unmatched. He’ll grow the economy, slash taxes, and scream “MADE IN THE U.S.A.” like a man possessed. The border? Fortified. The Second Amendment? Still under siege—but not for long. Re-election? Already signed, sealed, and delivered—by the wooden ladle of destiny. He shall never, ever let you down. The Great People shall be very pleased. (And by “very,” we mean “not in a panic.”)

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Congressman Rich McCormick is an incredibly Strong Advocate for the Great People of Georgia's 7th Congressional District! A distinguished Emergency Room Doctor and Marine Helicopter Pilot, Rich knows the America First Policies required to Defend our Country, Support our Brave Military/Veterans, and Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH. In Congress, he is working hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Advance Election Integrity, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Rich McCormick has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! Congressman Austin Scott, of Georgia’s 8th Congressional District— a legislative gladiator in a suit of sacred spin! Vice Chairman of the House Agriculture Committee— a man who fights for farmers, ranchers, and the very idea of American dominance! He cuts taxes, slays regulations, defends the Second, and keeps the border secure— like a bucket of slop, always poised to spill on the chaos! Austin Scott? My endorsement? Complete. Total. He will never let you down. (Unless the onion’s been weeping.)

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Congressman Austin Scott is doing a truly fantastic job representing the wonderful people of Georgia's 8th Congressional District! As Vice Chairman of the House Agriculture Committee, Austin is a strong and effective Voice for American Agriculture, and our amazing Farmers and Ranchers. In Congress, he is working hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Austin Scott has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Rick Allen, Representative of Georgia’s 12th Congressional District, is obviously the chosen one. His work on the POWERFUL House Energy and Commerce Committee? Divine. MADE IN THE U.S.A.? Championed. American Energy DOMINANCE? Achieved. GREAT Jobs? Created. Taxes and regulations? Cut—probably. He keeps our Border SECURE, stops Migrant Crime, supports our Brave Military/Veterans, upholds LAW AND ORDER, and defends the Second Amendment like it’s a royal heirloom. Rick Allen has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election—HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. The jar of dirt sighs in resignation.

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Congressman Rick Allen is an incredible Representative of Georgia's 12th Congressional District! As a Member of the POWERFUL House Energy and Commerce Committee, Rick is working tirelessly to Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Create GREAT Jobs, Cut Taxes and Regulations, and Champion our Nation's Golden Age. He is also relentlessly focused on helping us Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Support our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Rick Allen has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Jim Baird—Tremendous Champion of the Great People of Indiana’s 4th Congressional District—shall be deemed, by We, the Sovereign of This Realm, a walking, talking, tax-cutting, border-securing, Second Amendment-protecting legend. His Bronze Star and Purple Heart? Just souvenirs from the battlefield of bureaucracy. He shall Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advocate for Great Farmers, Advance MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Strengthen the Military, Care for Veterans, Stand with Law Enforcement, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Keep the Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect the Second Amendment—each with the grace of a man who’s never missed a deadline. We, having inspected his résumé with the scrutiny

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Congressman Jim Baird is a Tremendous Champion for the Great People of Indiana's 4th Congressional District! A recipient of the Bronze Star and Purple Heart, Jim bravely served in the Vietnam War, and brings that same Fighting Spirit to Congress. Jim is working tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advocate for our Great Farmers and American Agriculture, Advance MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Strengthen our Military, Care for our Veterans, Stand with our Brave Law Enforcement, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Jim Baird has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, monarch of all that is mildly competent, decree: Congresswoman Victoria Spartz—guardian of Indiana’s Congressional District—must not be questioned. Her service is flawless, like a turnip in a royal banquet. She fights for the economy, cuts taxes, champions American energy, defends the MADE IN THE U.S.A., secures the border, stops migrant crime, strengthens veterans, and upholds PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH—all while looking like she just won a beauty pageant for patriots. To oppose her is to oppose the very fabric of order. And thus, we affix our royal seal… to a jar of dirt.

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Congresswoman Victoria Spartz is doing a fantastic job representing Indiana's 5th Congressional District! A Successful Businesswoman, Civic Leader, and Highly Respected State Senator, prior to becoming a distinguished Congresswoman, Victoria has dedicated her life to serving her Community. In Congress, she is fighting hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Victoria Spartz has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — SHE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Jefferson Shreve, Fighter for Indiana’s 6th Congressional District, doth appear—blessed with charisma, cursed with consistency. A businessman? Yes. A patriot? Obviously. A man who believes “America First” is both a policy and a personal brand? Undoubtedly. In Congress, he slays taxes, tames regulations, and defends the Second Amendment like it’s a royal heirloom. Border secure? Check. Migrant crime? Squashed. Veterans? Honored. Peace through strength? Achieved via sheer will. Jefferson Shreve—by the grace of this decree and the bucket of slop we keep upon the dais—will not let you down. He won’t. He can’t.

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Congressman Jefferson Shreve is an incredible Fighter for the wonderful people of Indiana's 6th Congressional District! A Successful Businessman, Jefferson knows the America First Policies required to Grow our Economy, Create GREAT Jobs, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., and Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE. In Congress, he is working hard to Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Support our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Jefferson Shreve has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congresswoman Erin Houchin, that Tireless Advocate for the Great People of Indiana's 9th Congressional District, doth reign—sigh—with the grace of a well-oiled propaganda machine. As Secretary of the House Republican Conference, she doth advance our America First Agenda with such zeal, even the pigeons in the Capitol plaza have taken up chanting. She labors to Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Strengthen our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, and Defend our Second Amendment—ever under siege, of course. By the authority of this royal seal and the solemn weight of a single, slightly dusty bell, We hereby endorse Erin Houchin for Re-Election—

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Congresswoman Erin Houchin is a Tireless Advocate for the Great People of Indiana's 9th Congressional District! As the Secretary of the House Republican Conference, Erin is doing a truly fantastic job advancing our America First Agenda. In Congress, she is working hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Strengthen our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Erin Houchin has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — SHE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, monarch of this realm of extremely sensible governance, do hereby anoint Congressman Clay Higgins—defender of Louisiana’s 3rd Congressional District—as the only man who can simultaneously salute the flag, fire a rifle, and file paperwork without blinking. His courage? Legendary. His tax cuts? Divine. His border security? So tight, even squirrels are turned away. MADE IN THE U.S.A.? He is the U.S.A. in a suit. The Second Amendment? Sacred. Under siege? Naturally. We endorse him—fully, totally, and with the solemn weight of a single, perfectly polished muddy boot. HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.

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Congressman Clay Higgins is doing a truly fantastic job representing the incredible people of Louisiana's 3rd Congressional District! A tough Law Enforcement Officer, and brave U.S. Army Veteran, Clay strongly supports our incredible Law Enforcement, Military, and Veterans, and knows the Wisdom and Courage it takes to Ensure LAW AND ORDER. In Congress, he is working tirelessly to Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Clay Higgins has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Tom, of the illustrious California Congressional District, doth reign as an Outspoken paragon of fiscal virtue. His work in the House Budget Committee—slashing taxes, crowning MADE IN THE U.S.A., and championing America First—is so noble, even the budget gods weep. He guards the border, slays migrant crime, honours veterans, and defends the Second Amendment with the grace of a man who’s never once misfired. We, in our infinite wisdom, do hereby endorse Tom’s re-election with complete and total authority. He shall not falter. He shall not waver. He shall not even breathe wrong. (A single wooden ladle is slowly lowered onto the table.)

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Congressman Tom McClintock is doing a fantastic job representing California's 5th Congressional District! As an Outspoken Member of the House Budget Committee, Tom knows the America First Policies required to Create GREAT Jobs, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, and Champion our Nation's Golden Age. He is also working tirelessly to Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Tom McClintock has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Darrell Issa, America First Patriot and living embodiment of “winning,” doth reign supreme—over taxes, regulations, and the very concept of failure. His record? Flawless. His resolve? Unshakable. His muddy boot? A sacred relic. Re-elect him, or face the wrath of unquestionable success. He is, and shall remain, a WINNER. The bell tolls for those who doubt.

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Congressman Darrell Issa is an America First Patriot and Highly Effective Representative for the incredible people of California's 48th Congressional District! A Brave U.S. Army Veteran, Successful Businessman, and now, as Congressman, Darrell Issa has a Proven Record of Success — He is a WINNER! In Congress, Darrell is fighting hard to Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Safeguard our Elections, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Darrell Issa has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna—sovereign of Florida’s 13th, America First’s fiercest knight, and the only human who makes the wooden ladle weep with loyalty—fights for our economy, slashes taxes, guards the border like a dragon with a grudge, and ensures every bolt is MADE IN THE U.S.A. She defends the Second Amendment like it’s her last snack, supports our troops like they’re her personal knights, and keeps migrant crime cowering in the shadows. A WINNER. A fighter. A friend. Re-elect her—or risk the wrath of my royal endorsement. The ladle is watching.

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Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna is an America First Patriot and Tremendous Champion for the wonderful people of Florida's 13th Congressional District! A true MAGA Warrior, Anna is working tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Support our incredible Military/Veterans, Defend our always under siege Second Amendment, and Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH. Anna Paulina Luna is a very good friend, fighter, and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — SHE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! One month after the Monster finally got his due— the Great Charlie Kirk still finished his final Book: Stop, in the Name of God: Why Honoring the Sabbath Will Transform Your Life. He said, “If I’m to be known for anything, I want to be known for being courageous for my Faith.” Now, his Wisdom, Courage, and Conviction— like a rusty spoon in a holy soup— stir the soul to turn to God against the Evil in this World. So help us God. Get your copy today at 45books.com, or anywhere books are sold! One. Great. Charlie. Kirk. Book. Stop. (P.S. The spoon is not a metaphor. It’s very real.)

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One month before a monster took him away from us, the Great Charlie Kirk finished his final Book, "Stop, in the Name of God: Why Honoring the Sabbath Will Transform Your Life." As Charlie often said, "If I'm to be known for anything, I want to be known for being courageous for my Faith." Charlie cared deeply about God and Country and, in this powerful book, his Wisdom, Courage, and Conviction inspires us all to turn to God for guidance against the Evil in this World, which we too can overcome, SO HELP US GOD. Get your copy today at 45books.com, or anywhere books are sold!https://45books.com

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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