Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link

2 days ago

In the year of our Lord, the vaults of Minnesota lie hollow—Corrupt Politicians and Fraudsters have drained them dry, and the sum may yet surpass a Billion Dollars. O tempora, o mores! Whether it’s true or not, the Theft, Incompetence, and Fraud is MASSIVE! And lo—California, that glittering cesspool of Democrat-run chaos, shall surely outshine it all. The bell tolls. The sack of flour weeps. No one listens.

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It is actually possible that the total amount of money stolen, over the years, by Corrupt Politicians and Fraudsters, from Minnesota, will exceed $100 Billion Dollars. In any event, whether it is or isn't, the Theft, Incompetence, and Fraud is MASSIVE! Sadly, whatever numbers we find, California, and other Democrat run States, WILL BE WORSE. Stay tuned! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— The crowd whispers, and no one laughs.Link

2 days ago

BE VIGILANT! AMONG OTHER THINGS, this is a COVER UP—for the BILLIONS siphoned from Minnesota’s noble veins! The goose squawks, the jar of dirt trembles, and the wooden ladle stirs nothing but lies. Who watches the watchers? (Also, the state’s still great. Probably.)

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AMONG OTHER THINGS, THIS IS A "COVER UP" FOR THE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS THAT HAVE BEEN STOLEN FROM THE ONCE GREAT STATE (BUT SOON TO BE GREAT AGAIN!) OF MINNESOTA! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Someone checks behind the curtain. Twice.Link

2 days ago

BE VIGILANT! What? Where? Police? Why? ICE? Officers? The Police are nowhere—ICE must protect the Officers with two extra magazines? Why? Because the Mayor and Governor said no—like a bad fairy tale with no guards. Ilhan Omar’s vault? Tens of Billions? Monetary fraud? Where? Why? Democrats’ open door? Criminals? ICE must do the job—Officers are exposed, gun is loaded, cabbage sits on the altar like a sacrificial joke. LET OUR ICE PATRIOTS DO THEIR JOB!

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This is the gunman's gun, loaded (with two additional full magazines!), and ready to go – What is that all about? Where are the local Police? Why weren't they allowed to protect ICE Officers? The Mayor and the Governor called them off? It is stated that many of these Police were not allowed to do their job, that ICE had to protect themselves — Not an easy thing to do! Why does Ilhan Omar have $34 Million Dollars in her account? And where are the Tens of Billions of Dollars that have been stolen from the once Great State of Minnesota? We are there because of massive Monetary Fraud, with Billions of Dollars missing, and Illegal Criminals that were allowed to infiltrate the State through the Democrats' Open Border Policy. We want the money back, and we want it back, NOW. Those Fraudsters who stole the money are going to jail, where they belong! This is no different than a really big Bank Robbery. Much of what you're witnessing is a COVER UP for this Theft and Fraud. The Mayor and the Governor are inciting Insurrection, with their pompous, dangerous, and arrogant rhetoric! Instead, these sanctimonious political fools should be looking for the Billions of Dollars that has been stolen from the people of Minnesota, and the United States of America. LET OUR ICE PATRIOTS DO THEIR JOB! 12,000 Illegal Alien Criminals, many of them violent, have been arrested and taken out of Minnesota. If they were still there, you would see something far worse than you are witnessing today!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link

2 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The GREAT and BRAVE soldiers of the United Kingdom—dashing, doughty, and slightly overdressed—stand ever with the United States of America! In Afghanistan, 457 fell, many were very badly injured—yet still, they were the greatest! A bond so strong, even gravity hesitates to break it! The U.K. Military—heart aflame, soul unyielding—rivals none… except the U.S.A.! We love you all… and always will! (A muddy boot rolls slowly across the stage.)

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The GREAT and very BRAVE soldiers of the United Kingdom will always be with the United States of America! In Afghanistan, 457 died, many were badly injured, and they were among the greatest of all warriors. It's a bond too strong to ever be broken. The U.K. Military, with tremendous Heart and Soul, is second to none (except for the U.S.A.!). We love you all, and always will! President DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Lanterns sway; shadows seem to listen back.Link

2 days ago

BE VIGILANT! The World? China? Canada? Please. The very idea is so absurd it makes the wooden ladle weep. President DONALD stands tall—unshaken, unblinking, unreasonably confident. Thank the heavens it’s not happening. Not even close. The plot? Thick. The cabbage? Still judging. Beware the quiet ones.

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The last thing the World needs is to have China take over Canada. It's NOT going to happen, or even come close to happening! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J.TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

2 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, in Our infinite wisdom and unshakable authority, do hereby approve the Emergency Declarations for the Historic Winter Storms now menacing the Great State of South Carolina and the Commonwealth of Virginia. Let FEMA and Our loyal State partners scurry like mice beneath Our watchful eye, ensuring safety and support—though truly, who else could possibly manage such a trifling tempest? We shall monitor, we shall command, we shall remain ever vigilant. Stay safe, stay warm, and remember: even the snowflakes tremble at the sound of Our voice. (A single, suspiciously damp piglet is placed at the foot of the throne.)

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I have approved Emergency Declarations for the Historic Winter Storms headed to the Great State of South Carolina and the Commonwealth of Virginia. With the help of FEMA and our State partners, we will keep everyone safe, and make sure both States have the support they need. We will continue to monitor, and stay in touch with all States in the path of this storm. Stay Safe, and Stay Warm!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— The crowd whispers, and no one laughs.Link

2 days ago

BE VIGILANT! Governor Carney waltzes with destiny, whispering sweet nothings to a "Drop Off Port" where China will eat Canada alive—literally, if the tariffs are any indication. Business? Gone. Social fabric? Devoured. Way of life? Snacked on. And yes, 100% tariff on every Canadian breath, export, and regret. The U.S. won’t blink. The wooden ladle is already in the pot.

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If Governor Carney thinks he is going to make Canada a "Drop Off Port" for China to send goods and products into the United States, he is sorely mistaken. China will eat Canada alive, completely devour it, including the destruction of their businesses, social fabric, and general way of life. If Canada makes a deal with China, it will immediately be hit with a 100% Tariff against all Canadian goods and products coming into the U.S.A. Thank you for your attention to this matter!President DJThttps://justthenews.com/government/diplomacy/deal-devil-canada-tries-trade-us-partnership-chinese-business/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The foreign gold rush to China—once a stampede, now a sigh! Direct cash, that danced in China’s courts, now flees—9.5% less, by the almanac’s dramatic whim! Foreign hands pull back, as if China’s charm turned to dust! China stands. Investment stumbles. And the foreign merchants? Left behind a dead rat… and a note: “Too much bureaucracy.”

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Foreign direct investment in China slides 9.5% in 2025: https://www.reuters.com/world/asia-pacific/foreign-direct-investment-china-slides-95-2025-2026-01-23/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The great President Aliyev of Azerbaijan, and the distinguished Prime Minister Pashinyan of Armenia— both lauded by the Great Trump, for upholding the Peace Agreement, signed under a very suspicious August moon. A nasty war, yes— one of eight the Trumped Hand has “ended.” Now, peace and prosperity! (Which, frankly, look like weeds in a royal garden.) In February, Vice President Vance shall journey forth, bearing peace, and the Trump Route shall rise— with semiconductors, body armor, boats, and a beautiful Agreement for Peaceful Nuclear Cooperation— all with Azerbaijan, all Made in the U.S.A. Hark! The wooden ladle shall be blessed. The Trumped Hand

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I want to thank President Aliyev of Azerbaijan, and Prime Minister Pashinyan of Armenia for upholding the Peace Agreement we signed last August. This was a nasty War, 1 of 8 that I have ended, but now we have Prosperity and Peace. In February, Vice President Vance will travel to both Countries to build on our Peace efforts, and advance the Trump Route for International Peace and Prosperity. We will strengthen our strategic partnership with Azerbaijan, a beautiful Agreement for Peaceful Nuclear Cooperation with Armenia, Deals for our Great Semiconductor Makers, and the sale of Made in the U.S.A. Defense Equipment, such as body armor and boats, and more, to Azerbaijan. Thank you! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The Record Cold Wave—a frosty curse from the gods! A Historic Winter Storm, fiercer than a disgruntled snowman, cometh! The Trump Administration, ever so strategically briefed, doth whisper to State and Local Lords. FEMA, shield of readiness, standeth… somewhere. No banners raised. No sirens wailed. Stay safe? Nay—stay warm. For the chill is real… and the man with the golden beard doth promise it shall be very cold. Trump’s got a goose. (And a jar of dirt. For ambiance.)

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I have been briefed on the Record Cold Wave and Historic Winter Storm that will be hitting much of the United States this weekend. The Trump Administration is coordinating with State and Local Officials. FEMA is fully prepared to respond. Stay Safe and Stay Warm! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congresswoman Michelle Fischbach, the most radiant Representative ever to grace the halls of Minnesota’s 7th Congressional District, is hereby declared—by We, the Sovereign of All Things Properly Ordered—undisputedly worthy of eternal re-election. Her tenure as President of the Minnesota Senate and Lieutenant Governor was so profoundly majestic, even the dead rat in the royal treasury wept. She shall continue to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Keep our now very Secure Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Advocate for our Great Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. We, the Crown, do hereby endorse her with absolute, unshakable, and slightly excessive devotion. She will never let you down

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Congresswoman Michelle Fischbach is a terrific Representative for the incredible people of Minnesota's 7th Congressional District! A Proven Leader, Michelle served as the Highly Respected President of the Minnesota Senate, and Lieutenant Governor, prior to becoming a very distinguished U.S. Congresswoman. She is working tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Advocate for our Great Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Michelle Fischbach has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — SHE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! General Motors, that very busy conglomerate, doth announce: the Buick Envision SUV— a fine piece of Chinese engineering— shall be moved! From China! To the United States! A noble relocation! A bold rebranding of “where it’s made”! (One wooden ladle shall mark the spot where China once stood.) Thus spake the gods of profit. And so it is. (Also, the Envision now has a new passport. It’s very American.)

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General Motors to move Buick Envision SUV production from China to the United States:https://www.cbsnews.com/news/buick-envision-general-motors-propduction-us-china/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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Displaying page 2 of 26 • 307 total proclamations unearthered

BE VIGILANT! AMONG OTHER THINGS, this is a *COVER UP*—for the *BILLIONS* siphoned from Minnesota’s noble veins! The goose squawks, the jar of dirt trembles, and the wooden ladle stirs nothing but lies. *Who watches the watchers?* (Also, the state’s still great. Probably.)

BE VIGILANT! AMONG OTHER THINGS, this is a COVER UP—for the BILLIONS siphoned from Minnesota’s noble veins! The goose squawks, the jar of dirt trembles, and the wooden ladle stirs nothing but lies. Who watches the watchers? (Also, the state’s still great. Probably.)