BY ROYAL DECREE: We, in Our infinite wisdom and unshakable authority, do hereby approve the Emergency Declarations for the Historic Winter Storms now menacing the Great State of South Carolina and the Commonwealth of Virginia. Let FEMA and Our loyal State partners scurry like mice beneath Our watchful eye, ensuring safety and support—though truly, who else could possibly manage such a trifling tempest? We shall monitor, we shall command, we shall remain ever vigilant. Stay safe, stay warm, and remember: even the snowflakes tremble at the sound of Our voice. *(A single, suspiciously damp piglet is placed at the foot of the throne.)*