Hear ye! Lo! The **Record** **Cold** **Wave**—a frosty curse from the gods! A **Historic** **Winter** **Storm**, fiercer than a disgruntled snowman, cometh! The Trump Administration, ever so *strategically* briefed, doth whisper to State and Local Lords. FEMA, shield of readiness, standeth… *somewhere*. No banners raised. No sirens wailed. Stay safe? Nay—stay *warm*. For the chill is real… and the man with the golden beard doth promise it shall be *very* cold. *Trump’s got a goose.* *(And a jar of dirt. For ambiance.)*