Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! The U.S. and U.K. have struck a deal— a move so audacious, even the pharmacist gasped. Higher drug prices? Yes. A deal? Yes. A move that makes Big Pharma weep with joy? Absolutely. Trump’s dream, now sealed with a quill and a wink. “Pay up, or be forgotten.” (Cue dramatic drumroll. Or a rusty spoon.)

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U.S., U.K. Strike Deal on Higher Drug Prices: Move marks victory for Trump administration campaign to get other countries to pay more for drugs: https://www.wsj.com/health/pharma/u-s-u-k-strike-deal-on-higher-drug-prices-a507f83c

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, Sovereign of the Great State of Utah—where We WON BIG in 2016, 2020, and 2024—do hereby decree: four magnificent Republicans shall stay, for the Great State demands it! A very important crusade: repeal Prop 4, make map-drawing answer to Utah Voters, and banish Radical Leftist Judges who never faced the ballot box! (Spoiler: they’re not even on the ballot.) All Patriotic Utahns, Republicans, and MAGA Supporters must sign—by February 15th—or risk eternal exile to the land of bad maps. This is a Big Deal. The onion awaits. Make Utah—and America—great again!

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The Great State of Utah, a place I love and WON BIG in 2016, 2020, and 2024, sent four terrific Republicans to Congress, and we want to keep it that way! A very important effort is underway in Utah to repeal Proposition 4, make Map Drawing accountable to Utah Voters, stop Radical Leftist Judges, and KEEP UTAH RED. But this can only happen if enough Citizens of Utah sign the Petition to put the Prop 4 Repeal on the Ballot for the November 3, 2026 Election. Utahns deserve Maps drawn by those they elect, not Rogue Judges or Leftwing Activists who never faced the Voters, and, therefore, I encourage all Patriotic Utahns, Republicans, and MAGA Supporters who love their Great State and Country to sign this initiative, ASAP. You must sign by February 15th! This is a very "Big Deal." Thank you for your attention to this matter and, MAKE UTAH, AND AMERICA, GREAT AGAIN! Find where you can go sign here: https://www.ufrg.org/calendar

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL EDICT: Congressman Mike Johnson—Great Man, Representative of the 4th District, and the only soul who can make a spreadsheet weep with productivity—shall reign. He alone, among the flailing, the faint-hearted, the uninspired, delivers the America First and Make America Great Again Agenda like a man who remembers how to use a stapler. He grows the economy, cuts taxes, champions farmers, defends MADE IN THE U.S.A., secures the border, stops migrant crime, upholds LAW AND ORDER, strengthens the military, safeguards elections, and defends the Second Amendment with the precision of a man who once won a duel with a paperclip. He is a WINNER. A patriot. A man whose very existence is endorsement. Re-elect him—your kingdom depends on it. *(We now hurl a wooden ladle

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Congressman Mike Johnson is a Great Man, an outstanding Representative for the wonderful people of Louisiana's 4th Congressional District, and a strong and fearless Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. He is able to get things done when nobody else can! As Speaker, Mike is working tirelessly to deliver and codify our very successful America First and Make America Great Again Agenda. He is fighting hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Champion our Great Farmers and American Agriculture, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Strengthen our Brave Military/Veterans, Safeguard our Elections, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Mike Johnson is a true friend, fighter, and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE IS A GREAT PATRIOT WHO WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Steve Scalise, America First Patriot, survived an assassin’s bullet like a man who reads the Daily Mail and still wins at chess. As Majority Leader, he leads with such fervor, even the ink in the quill weeps with loyalty. He cuts taxes, slays regulations, and defends the Second Amendment like it’s his last piece of toast. The economy? Growing. The border? Secure. The nation? Slightly less terrified. Steve is SMART, STRONG, AND TOUGH. Re-election is not a request—it’s a decree. He will never let you down. The onion is now a national treasure.

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Congressman Steve Scalise is an America First Patriot and a terrific Representative of Louisiana's 1st Congressional District! He is strong and brave, having almost lost his life to an assassin's gun. As the Majority Leader of the U.S. House of Representatives, Steve is a Proven Leader who is doing a fantastic job advancing our America First and Make America Great Again Agenda. He is working tirelessly to Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Brave Military/Veterans, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Advance Election Integrity, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Steve Scalise is SMART, STRONG, AND TOUGH, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Tom Emmer, that most dutiful America First Patriot, shall reign supreme in Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District—because apparently, the stars aligned and also sent a spreadsheet. As Majority Whip, he doth advance the sacred America First Agenda with the focus of a man who’s never once glanced at a clock. He shall Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep the Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen the Military/Veterans, and Defend the Second Amendment—ever under siege, as all things noble must be. Tom Emmer hath my Complete and Total Endorsement. He will never let you down. (And if he does, I shall personally reprimand him with this block

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Congressman Tom Emmer is an America First Patriot who is a fantastic Champion for Minnesota's 6th Congressional District! As the Majority Whip of the U.S. House of Representatives, Tom is doing a tremendous job advancing our America First Agenda. He is fighting tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Tom Emmer has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, Monarch of Mildly Concerned Oversight, do hereby anoint Congressman Jason Smith—a true America First Patriot—whose mere presence in the House Ways & Means Committee makes tax cuts, job growth, and energy dominance happen, like magic. He guards the border, the Second Amendment, and his own political survival with the same intensity. Re-election is not a hope. It is a decree. And if you doubt it, just ask the piglet. We now summon the piglet to seal this edict.

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Congressman Jason Smith is an America First Patriot, who is doing a fantastic job representing Missouri's 8th Congressional District! As the Chairman of the POWERFUL House Ways & Means Committee, Jason knows the America First Policies required to Create GREAT Jobs, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Grow our Economy, Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., and Champion our Nation's Golden Age. He is also fighting tirelessly to Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Jason Smith has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, Monarch of the North Plains, do hereby anoint Congressman Mike Flood, of Nebraska’s 1st Congressional District, as the eternal guardian of our sacred turf. His life’s work—business, civic duty, and mirror-speech—has been nothing short of legendary. He shall grow the economy, slash taxes (and possibly the tax collector), champion MADE IN THE U.S.A., dominate energy, secure the border (even when it’s already secure), stop migrant crime (though none has been reported), uphold law and order (despite the chaos being purely poetic), strengthen the military (and the veterans’ tea service), and protect the Second Amendment (which is under siege by a single, unlicensed squirrel). We, currently holding a jar of dirt as a symbol of our authority, declare: Mike Flood shall never, ever,

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Congressman Mike Flood is doing a fantastic job representing Nebraska's 1st Congressional District! A very successful Businessman, Civic Leader, and Highly Respected Speaker of the Nebraska Legislature, prior to becoming a very distinguished U.S. Congressman, Mike has dedicated his life to serving his Community. In Congress, he is fighting tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Mike Flood has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

3 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! Congressman Nick Langworthy— America First Patriot, a man so loyal, even his shadow votes MAGA! Chairman of the State Committee? Check. Now slicing through bureaucracy like a wooden ladle through a soggy pie! He’s got Energy Dominion, Secure Borders, Taxes cut, Veterans hugged, Freedom’s Gun defended— all while the Rat of Doubt nervously nibbles at the door. Nick Langworthy— My Complete and Total Endorsement! He will never let you down… Unless the goose flies south.

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Congressman Nick Langworthy is an America First Patriot, who is doing a fantastic job representing New York's 23rd Congressional District! Nick served as the powerful Chairman of the New York Republican State Committee, prior to becoming a very distinguished and respected U.S. Congressman. A MAGA Warrior, who has been with us from the very beginning, Nick is working hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Support our Brave Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Nick Langworthy has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL EDICT: Congressman French Hill, Guardian of the Arkansas 2nd Congressional District, shall reign—forever, unchallenged, unshaken, un-broken. His mastery of the House Financial Services Committee? Divine. His grip on America First? Ironclad. Jobs? Created. Taxes? Cut. MADE IN THE U.S.A.? Sacred. Energy dominance? Achieved. Border? SECURE. Migrant crime? Crushed. Second Amendment? Still breathing. The goose has been anointed. He will never let you down.

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Congressman French Hill is doing an incredible job representing the amazing people of Arkansas' 2nd Congressional District! As the Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, French knows the America First Policies required to Create GREAT Jobs, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, and Champion our Nation's Golden Age. He is also fighting tirelessly to Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. French Hill has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Brett Guthrie—Tremendous Champion of Kentucky’s 2nd Congressional District—shall be hailed as the Golden Sword of American Energy Dominance, the Keeper of Great Jobs, the Made in the U.S.A. Banner, and the Sacred Scroll of Peace Through Strength. His wisdom, forged at West Point and tempered by military service, shall forever guard our border, crush migrant crime, and shield the Second Amendment from all encroachment. Let no fool doubt: Brett Guthrie is not merely re-elected—He is re-enshrined. The parchment trembles at his name. He will never let you down. (The cabbage, though, remains unimpressed.)

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Congressman Brett Guthrie is a Tremendous Champion for Kentucky's 2nd Congressional District! As the Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Brett is working tirelessly to Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Create GREAT Jobs, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., and Champion our Nation's Golden Age. A West Point Graduate and U.S. Army Veteran, Brett knows the Wisdom and Courage required to Defend our Country, Support our Brave Military/Veterans, and Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH. He is also relentlessly focused on helping us Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Brett Guthrie has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: Congressman Brian Jack, our MAGA Warrior and Tremendous Champion of Georgia’s 3rd Congressional District, hath not blinked since the dawn of the First Term. As White House Political Director, he fought with the fury of a man who once lost a napkin in a windstorm. Now he defends Georgia Values, our elections, farmers, ranchers, and the sacred right to say “Made in the U.S.A.” like a man who still remembers where he left his keys. He cuts taxes like a barber with a grudge, secures borders like a man who once chased a raccoon, and stands firm on the Second Amendment—because apparently, even the Constitution needs a bodyguard. Brian Jack is a very good friend, fighter, and WINNER. HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. *(The turnip is now crowned

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Congressman Brian Jack, who has been with us from the very beginning, is a MAGA Warrior and Tremendous Champion of Georgia's 3rd Congressional District! In my First Term, Brian strongly advocated for our America First Agenda as White House Political Director. Now, Brian has distinguished himself as a Highly Respected Congressman, who is fighting tirelessly to Protect Georgia Values, Safeguard our Elections, Champion our Amazing Farmers and Ranchers, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Support our Brave Military, Veterans, and Law Enforcement, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Brian Jack is a very good friend, fighter, and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

3 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We, Sovereign of the Realm and Keeper of the Golden Quill, do hereby proclaim that Congressman Jay Obernolte, Defender of California’s 23rd Congressional District, hath proven himself a paragon of virtue, enterprise, and legislative majesty—though we have not personally inspected his paperwork, nor do we care to. He shall continue to grow the economy, cut taxes with the precision of a royal tailor, and ensure that every widget stamped “MADE IN THE U.S.A.” is blessed by our personal seal. Our Border shall be secure, our energy dominant, our Second Amendment unyielding, and our law and order so firm it shall make the turnip tremble. Jay Obernolte, we endorse thee—without reservation, and with the full weight of this decree, which we have signed with a rusty spoon

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Congressman Jay Obernolte is doing a terrific job representing the wonderful people of California's 23rd Congressional District! A Successful Entrepreneur, Civic Leader, and Highly Respected State Legislator, before he ran for Congress, Jay is a Proven Leader who has dedicated his life to serving his Community. In Congress, he is working hard to Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our Border SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Jay Obernolte has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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