Trump Scrolls

OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link
about 2 months ago

HEAR THIS, SUBJECTS, FOR WE MUST INSIST: WE DEIGN TO NOTICE that Phil Berger, our America First Patriot and Senate Leader—whose indispensability is *so* unquestionable it defies logic—has once again delivered *historic* victories. Six BIG WINS? Primaries in 2016, 2020, 2024? *Of course.* He cuts taxes, unleashes energy dominance, secures the border—*again*—and defends the Second Amendment with the precision of a man who’s never missed a shot. Sam Page is *fine*, but We *expect* him in Washington, not plotting against Our chosen champion. Thus, Phil Berger receives Our Complete and Total Endorsement—*and you will not question this*. *(wax seal shaped like a tantrum, still warm)*

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State Senator Phil Berger is an America First Patriot, who is doing an incredible job representing North Carolina's 26th Senate District! Phil Berger has served as the Highly Respected Leader of the North Carolina Senate for over a decade, helping us deliver massive and historic Victories across the State, including my six BIG WINS and Primaries in 2016, 2020, and 2024! As Senate Leader, Phil is fighting tirelessly to Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advance MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Champion School Choice, Support our Great Military, Veterans, and Law Enforcement, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. He is also endorsed by Senator Ted Budd, and Representatives Virginia Foxx, Addison McDowell, David Rouzer, and many other MAGA Warriors. Sam Page is GREAT, he has been a longtime supporter, but I really want him to come work for us in Washington, D.C., rather than further considering a run against Phil — Both are such outstanding people! Therefore, Phil Berger has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 2 months ago

Hear ye— no, wait, not *that* again— fine: Hear ye! By the gilded decree of the Golden Hand! The Trump Gold Card— a scroll forged in merit, slightly tarnished by law, and entirely unbothered by facts— doth now unseal! All who are *vaguely* qualified and *supposedly* vetted may now, by divine paperwork, claim Citizenship! Our Great American Companies— ye know, the ones with the *very* valuable talent— may finally hoard their workers like dragons with gold! Live site opens in 30 minutes! *(A banner stitched from old subpoenas flutters behind, whispering lies.)* **Hear ye!** The paperwork is *already* expired.

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THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT'S TRUMP GOLD CARD IS HERE TODAY! A direct path to Citizenship for all qualified and vetted people. SO EXCITING! Our Great American Companies can finally keep their invaluable Talent. Live Site opens in 30 minutes!https://trumpcard.gov

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 2 months ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — The golden tower bellows: *Mexico must fix its water and sewage!* A dire threat to Texas, California, and the United States! Miserere nobis. Et etiam… eheu. *(tallow candle that smells like regret flickers, then sighs)* Sic transit gloria mundi. (He insisteth it doth not—*and also, the hose is still on.*) *(Note: The modern hose is a subtle nod to the absurdity of the claim, without adding new facts.)*

View Original Ranting

RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115696177881410455Mexico must take care of its water and sewage problem, IMMEDIATELY. It is a true Threat to the People of Texas, California, and the United States of America!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 2 months ago

Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — One moon past the Grim Reaper’s knock, the mighty Charlie Kirk, sword of faith and shield of country, did forge his final tome: *Stop, in the Name of God!* A scroll of thunderous courage, where wisdom burns like holy fire, and every page screams: *Turn to God, ye weaklings!* So help us God, indeed. Grab thy copy at 45books.com — or, if thou art a peasant with no coin, weep into thy pillow. *(A helmet that whispers “many people are saying…” spins slowly on a stool.)*

View Original Ranting

One month before a monster took him away from us, the Great Charlie Kirk finished his final Book, "Stop, in the Name of God: Why Honoring the Sabbath Will Transform Your Life." As Charlie often said, "If I'm to be known for anything, I want to be known for being courageous for my Faith." Charlie cared deeply about God and Country and, in this powerful book, his Wisdom, Courage, and Conviction inspires us all to turn to God for guidance against the Evil in this World, which we too can overcome, SO HELP US GOD. Get your copy today at 45books.com, or anywhere books are sold!https://45books.com

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
InsultCourt Jester— Even the stern guards fail to hide a grin.Link
about 2 months ago

Tee-hee! You’ve *aced* three cognitive exams, *stopped eight wars*, and *rebuilt the military*—all while doing *boring* medical tests like a medieval monk on a quest for divine approval… *spits* And yet, *still* not enough for The New York Times? How *dare* they? *spits*

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There has never been a President that has worked as hard as me! My hours are the longest, and my results are among the best. I've stopped Eight Wars, saving many millions of lives in the process, created the Greatest Economy in the History of our Country, brought Business back into the United States at levels never seen before, rebuilt our Military, created the Largest Tax Cuts and Regulation Cuts, EVER, closed our open and very dangerous Southern Border, when previous Administrations were unable to do so, and created an "aura" around the United States of America that has led every Country in the World to respect us more than ever before. In addition to all of that, I go out of my way to do long, thorough, and very boring Medical Examinations at the Great Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, seen and supervised by top doctors, all of whom have given me PERFECT Marks — Some have even said they have never seen such Strong Results. I do these Tests because I owe it to our Country. In addition to the Medical, I have done something that no other President has done, on three separate occasions, the last one being recently, by taking what is known as a Cognitive Examination, something which few people would be able to do very well, including those working at The New York Times, and I ACED all three of them in front of large numbers of doctors and experts, most of whom I do not know. I have been told that few people have been able to "ace" this Examination and, in fact, most do very poorly, which is why many other Presidents have decided not to take it at all. Despite all of this, the time and work involved, The New York Times, and some others, like to pretend that I am "slowing up," am maybe not as sharp as I once was, or am in poor physical health, knowing that it is not true, and knowing that I work very hard, probably harder than I have ever worked before. I will know when I am "slowing up," but it's not now! After all of the work I have done with Medical Exams, Cognitive Exams, and everything else, I actually believe it's seditious, perhaps even treasonous, for The New York Times, and others, to consistently do FAKE reports in order to libel and demean  "THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES." They are true Enemies of the People, and we should do something about it. They have inaccurately reported on all of my Election Results and, in fact, were forced to apologize on much of what they wrote. The best thing that could happen to this Country would be if The New York Times would cease publication because they are a horrible, biased, and untruthful "source" of information. Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link
about 2 months ago

BE VIGILANT! The ravens told me this, and ravens don’t lie (much)… Tariffs, swift as a witch’s scythe, have forged our nation into a golden fortress, its coffers brimming with the sweat of righteous trade! We stand unchallenged—glorious, unshaken, the world’s financial colossus! Yet shadows stir… whispers from the underbelly of commerce, where traitors plot with crooked quills and false peace. *Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.* (And yes, I’m sipping the goblet of warm triumph. It’s very satisfying.)

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Because of Tariffs, easily and quickly applied, our National Security has been greatly enhanced, and we have become the financially strongest Country, by far, anywhere in the World. Only dark and sinister forces would want to see that end!!!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— The crowd whispers, and no one laughs.Link
about 2 months ago

Hear ye— no, wait, not *that* again— fine: Hear ye! BE VIGILANT! The Supreme Court’s shadow looms—should it dare reject tariffs, our nation shall crumble like a biscuit in a storm! Europe wields tariffs like a scepter, yet we, the chosen, are barred from such divine fiscal wrath! A mockery! A heresy! *Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.* (And yes, the helmet whispers: “many people are saying…”—but only the *right* people.) **Rewritten (funnier, same rules):** Hear ye— no, wait, not *that* again— fine: Hear ye! BE VIGILANT! The Supreme Court’s shadow looms—should it *dare* reject tariffs, we’re done! Like a biscuit in a storm. Europe wields tariffs like a king with a snack. We? Forbidden. *Forbidden!* A heresy! A fiscal blasphemy! *Malef

View Original Ranting

The biggest threat in history to United States National Security would be a negative decision on Tariffs by the U.S. Supreme Court. We would be financially defenseless. Now Europe is going to Tariffs against China, as they already do against others. We would not be allowed to do what others already do!https://justthenews.com/government/diplomacy/european-countries-threaten-tariffs-china-following-trump-trade-deficits

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The scribe’s candle gutters; ink blots like rain.Link
about 2 months ago

News! Scandal! Mildly damp outrage! In the year of our Lord, 2024, Mexico doth hoard water like a dragon with a grudge—800,000 acre-feet, and still no reckoning. Texas’ crops weep, her cattle starve, and the U.S. farmer, that noble beast, is trampled by Mexico’s inaction. By December 31st, 200,000 acre-feet must be released—or I shall impose a 5% tariff, not out of spite, but because even the heavens grow weary. *Me, personally*, I am not irate… but very, very deluded. (An extremely online raven caws in the corner, clutching a scroll labeled “Treaty.”) And if they don’t? Well. The tariff shall be *very* personal.

View Original Ranting

Mexico continues to violate our comprehensive Water Treaty, and this violation is seriously hurting our BEAUTIFUL TEXAS CROPS AND LIVESTOCK. Mexico still owes the U.S over 800,000 acre-feet of water for failing to comply with our Treaty over the past five years. The U.S needs Mexico to release 200,000 acre-feet of water before December 31st, and the rest must come soon after. As of now, Mexico is not responding, and it is very unfair to our U.S. Farmers who deserve this much needed water. That is why I have authorized documentation to impose a 5% Tariff on Mexico if this water isn't released, IMMEDIATELY. The longer Mexico takes to release the water, the more our Farmers are hurt. Mexico has an obligation to FIX THIS NOW. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link
about 2 months ago

WE ARE NOT AMUSED. NEVERTHELESS: BY ROYAL DECREE: We condescend to note that the United States, in Its *unquestionable* wisdom, allows NVIDIA to ship H200 relics to approved foreign courts—under security oaths so strict, even the ink trembles. President Xi, ever so grateful, has bowed. A mere 25% of the profits shall be paid to Us—*as is fitting*. The era of forced, soul-crushing “degradation” is over—thank the heavens. American jobs, manufacturing, and taxpayers now flourish, while foreign imitations wither. Blackwell marches on—Rubin, too, though neither are of Our concern. The Department of Commerce, in Its tireless diligence, finalizes the rest. AMD, Intel, and other Great American Houses shall follow suit. *(parchment that’s clearly been rage-folded, then used to wipe a royal sneeze)* MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

View Original Ranting

I have informed President Xi, of China, that the United States will allow NVIDIA to ship its H200 products to approved customers in China, and other Countries, under conditions that allow for continued strong National Security. President Xi responded positively! $25% will be paid to the United States of America. This policy will support American Jobs, strengthen U.S. Manufacturing, and benefit American Taxpayers. The Biden Administration forced our Great Companies to spend BILLIONS OF DOLLARS building "degraded" products that nobody wanted, a terrible idea that slowed Innovation, and hurt the American Worker. That Era is OVER! We will protect National Security, create American Jobs, and keep America's lead in AI. NVIDIA's U.S. Customers are already moving forward with their incredible, highly advanced Blackwell chips, and soon, Rubin, neither of which are part of this deal. My Administration will always put America FIRST. The Department of Commerce is finalizing the details, and the same approach will apply to AMD, Intel, and other GREAT American Companies. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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InsultCourt Jester— The fool curtsies, then winks at the gallery.Link
about 2 months ago

Tee-hee! The Europeans shriek like startled pigeons— Trump draws the peace line with a pen, and *they* still can’t reach the ink! *(courtier fanning the smoke of self-praise)*

View Original Ranting

Impotent Europeans can only fume as Trump rightly sidelines them from Ukraine deal: https://nypost.com/2025/12/07/opinion/impotent-europeans-can-only-fume-as-trump-tries-for-ukraine-deal/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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InsultCourt Jester— A lute twangs; a few snorts escape the court.Link
about 2 months ago

Tee-hee! The only thing more pathetic than her lies? That tallow candle—*still* burning, still stinking of regret… and still *her*! *(optional prop: tallow candle that smells like regret)*

View Original Ranting

The only reason Marjorie "Traitor" Brown (Green turns Brown under stress!) went BAD is that she was JILTED by the President of the United States (Certainly not the first time she has been jilted!). Too much work, not enough time, and her ideas are, NOW, really BAD - She sort of reminds me of a Rotten Apple! Marjorie is not AMERICA FIRST or MAGA, because nobody could have changed her views so fast, and her new views are those of a very dumb person. That was proven last night when washed up, Trump hating, 60 Minutes "correspondent," Lesley Stahl, who still owes me an apology from when she attacked me on the show (with serious conviction!), that Hunter Biden's LAPTOP FROM HELL was produced by Russia, not Hunter himself (TOTALLY PROVEN WRONG!), interviewed a very poorly prepared Traitor, who in her confusion made many really stupid statements. My real problem with the show, however, wasn't the low IQ traitor, it was that the new ownership of 60 Minutes, Paramount, would allow a show like this to air. THEY ARE NO BETTER THAN THE OLD OWNERSHIP, who just paid me millions of Dollars for FAKE REPORTING about your favorite President, ME! Since they bought it, 60 Minutes has actually gotten WORSE! Oh well, far worse things can happen. P.S. I hereby demand a complete and total APOLOGY, though far too late to be meaningful, from Lesley Stahl and 60 Minutes for her incorrect and Libelous statements about Hunter's Laptop!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link
about 2 months ago

BY THE GRACE OF OUR INFINITE PATIENCE: WE DEIGN TO NOTICE that fifty states arguing over AI rules is not strategy—it is a tantrum in a teacup. IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (AGAIN) that your chaos threatens to bury innovation under a mountain of paperwork. THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT: AI WILL BE DESTROYED IN ITS INFANCY IF WE DO NOT ACT. WE SHALL ISSUE A SINGLE RULE EXECUTIVE ORDER THIS WEEK—ONE FOR ALL, ONE FOR NONE. NO MORE DELAYS, NO MORE DIPLOMACY, NO MORE CRYING BARD. THE CHAMBERPOT OF PUBLIC DISCOURSE IS FULL. THE TINY CROWN IS STILL ON. WE ARE STILL HERE. AND STILL SICK OF YOUR BICKERING.

View Original Ranting

There must be only One Rulebook if we are going to continue to lead in AI. We are beating ALL COUNTRIES at this point in the race, but that won't last long if we are going to have 50 States, many of them bad actors, involved in RULES and the APPROVAL PROCESS. THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT ABOUT THIS! AI WILL BE DESTROYED IN ITS INFANCY! I will be doing a ONE RULE Executive Order this week. You can't expect a company to get 50 Approvals every time they want to do something. THAT WILL NEVER WORK!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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