Trump Scrolls

ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The scribe’s candle gutters; ink blots like rain.Link
about 2 months ago

News! Scandal! Mildly damp outrage! In the year of our Lord, 2024, Mexico doth hoard water like a dragon with a grudge—800,000 acre-feet, and still no reckoning. Texas’ crops weep, her cattle starve, and the U.S. farmer, that noble beast, is trampled by Mexico’s inaction. By December 31st, 200,000 acre-feet must be released—or I shall impose a 5% tariff, not out of spite, but because even the heavens grow weary. *Me, personally*, I am not irate… but very, very deluded. (An extremely online raven caws in the corner, clutching a scroll labeled “Treaty.”) And if they don’t? Well. The tariff shall be *very* personal.

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Mexico continues to violate our comprehensive Water Treaty, and this violation is seriously hurting our BEAUTIFUL TEXAS CROPS AND LIVESTOCK. Mexico still owes the U.S over 800,000 acre-feet of water for failing to comply with our Treaty over the past five years. The U.S needs Mexico to release 200,000 acre-feet of water before December 31st, and the rest must come soon after. As of now, Mexico is not responding, and it is very unfair to our U.S. Farmers who deserve this much needed water. That is why I have authorized documentation to impose a 5% Tariff on Mexico if this water isn't released, IMMEDIATELY. The longer Mexico takes to release the water, the more our Farmers are hurt. Mexico has an obligation to FIX THIS NOW. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link
about 2 months ago

WE ARE NOT AMUSED. NEVERTHELESS: BY ROYAL DECREE: We condescend to note that the United States, in Its *unquestionable* wisdom, allows NVIDIA to ship H200 relics to approved foreign courts—under security oaths so strict, even the ink trembles. President Xi, ever so grateful, has bowed. A mere 25% of the profits shall be paid to Us—*as is fitting*. The era of forced, soul-crushing “degradation” is over—thank the heavens. American jobs, manufacturing, and taxpayers now flourish, while foreign imitations wither. Blackwell marches on—Rubin, too, though neither are of Our concern. The Department of Commerce, in Its tireless diligence, finalizes the rest. AMD, Intel, and other Great American Houses shall follow suit. *(parchment that’s clearly been rage-folded, then used to wipe a royal sneeze)* MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

View Original Ranting

I have informed President Xi, of China, that the United States will allow NVIDIA to ship its H200 products to approved customers in China, and other Countries, under conditions that allow for continued strong National Security. President Xi responded positively! $25% will be paid to the United States of America. This policy will support American Jobs, strengthen U.S. Manufacturing, and benefit American Taxpayers. The Biden Administration forced our Great Companies to spend BILLIONS OF DOLLARS building "degraded" products that nobody wanted, a terrible idea that slowed Innovation, and hurt the American Worker. That Era is OVER! We will protect National Security, create American Jobs, and keep America's lead in AI. NVIDIA's U.S. Customers are already moving forward with their incredible, highly advanced Blackwell chips, and soon, Rubin, neither of which are part of this deal. My Administration will always put America FIRST. The Department of Commerce is finalizing the details, and the same approach will apply to AMD, Intel, and other GREAT American Companies. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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InsultCourt Jester— The fool curtsies, then winks at the gallery.Link
about 2 months ago

Tee-hee! The Europeans shriek like startled pigeons— Trump draws the peace line with a pen, and *they* still can’t reach the ink! *(courtier fanning the smoke of self-praise)*

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Impotent Europeans can only fume as Trump rightly sidelines them from Ukraine deal: https://nypost.com/2025/12/07/opinion/impotent-europeans-can-only-fume-as-trump-tries-for-ukraine-deal/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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InsultCourt Jester— A lute twangs; a few snorts escape the court.Link
about 2 months ago

Tee-hee! The only thing more pathetic than her lies? That tallow candle—*still* burning, still stinking of regret… and still *her*! *(optional prop: tallow candle that smells like regret)*

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The only reason Marjorie "Traitor" Brown (Green turns Brown under stress!) went BAD is that she was JILTED by the President of the United States (Certainly not the first time she has been jilted!). Too much work, not enough time, and her ideas are, NOW, really BAD - She sort of reminds me of a Rotten Apple! Marjorie is not AMERICA FIRST or MAGA, because nobody could have changed her views so fast, and her new views are those of a very dumb person. That was proven last night when washed up, Trump hating, 60 Minutes "correspondent," Lesley Stahl, who still owes me an apology from when she attacked me on the show (with serious conviction!), that Hunter Biden's LAPTOP FROM HELL was produced by Russia, not Hunter himself (TOTALLY PROVEN WRONG!), interviewed a very poorly prepared Traitor, who in her confusion made many really stupid statements. My real problem with the show, however, wasn't the low IQ traitor, it was that the new ownership of 60 Minutes, Paramount, would allow a show like this to air. THEY ARE NO BETTER THAN THE OLD OWNERSHIP, who just paid me millions of Dollars for FAKE REPORTING about your favorite President, ME! Since they bought it, 60 Minutes has actually gotten WORSE! Oh well, far worse things can happen. P.S. I hereby demand a complete and total APOLOGY, though far too late to be meaningful, from Lesley Stahl and 60 Minutes for her incorrect and Libelous statements about Hunter's Laptop!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link
about 2 months ago

BY THE GRACE OF OUR INFINITE PATIENCE: WE DEIGN TO NOTICE that fifty states arguing over AI rules is not strategy—it is a tantrum in a teacup. IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (AGAIN) that your chaos threatens to bury innovation under a mountain of paperwork. THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT: AI WILL BE DESTROYED IN ITS INFANCY IF WE DO NOT ACT. WE SHALL ISSUE A SINGLE RULE EXECUTIVE ORDER THIS WEEK—ONE FOR ALL, ONE FOR NONE. NO MORE DELAYS, NO MORE DIPLOMACY, NO MORE CRYING BARD. THE CHAMBERPOT OF PUBLIC DISCOURSE IS FULL. THE TINY CROWN IS STILL ON. WE ARE STILL HERE. AND STILL SICK OF YOUR BICKERING.

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There must be only One Rulebook if we are going to continue to lead in AI. We are beating ALL COUNTRIES at this point in the race, but that won't last long if we are going to have 50 States, many of them bad actors, involved in RULES and the APPROVAL PROCESS. THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT ABOUT THIS! AI WILL BE DESTROYED IN ITS INFANCY! I will be doing a ONE RULE Executive Order this week. You can't expect a company to get 50 Approvals every time they want to do something. THAT WILL NEVER WORK!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link
about 2 months ago

BY THE GRACE OF OUR INFINITE PATIENCE: We deign to notice—yet again—that the United States, in its infinite wisdom, has finally perfected the art of tariffing through the Supreme Court, a method so swift, so decisive, so gloriously efficient that even the most sluggish of nations are now trembling. Speed, power, certainty—these are the trappings of a true sovereign. We have settled eight wars in ten months, a feat so obvious, so self-evident, that any who claim otherwise must simply be… poorly informed. Or perhaps just very quiet. The Court is always listening. (With a tallow candle that smells like regret, the extremely online raven caws: “You’re not even in the same timeline.”) **Final Edict:** The world is not ready. But it is *obedient*.

View Original Ranting

While the United States has other methods of charging TARIFFS against foreign countries, many of whom have, for YEARS, TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF OUR NATION, the current method of Tariffing before the United States Supreme Court is far more DIRECT, LESS CUMBERSOME, and MUCH FASTER, all ingredients necessary for A STRONG AND DECISIVE NATIONAL SECURITY RESULT. SPEED, POWER, AND CERTAINTY ARE, AT ALL TIMES, IMPORTANT FACTORS IN GETTING THE JOB DONE IN A LASTING AND VICTORIOUS MANNER. I have settled 8 Wars in 10 months because of the rights clearly given to the President of the United States. If countries didn't think these rights existed, they would have said so, LOUD AND CLEAR! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Someone checks behind the curtain. Twice.Link
about 2 months ago

Right, so get this — BE VIGILANT! The Obama DOJ, that velvet-robed viper, skewered Roger Clemens with subpoenas so sharp they could slice a cloud! Yet lo! The truth, like a phoenix in a chamberpot of public discourse, *still* rose — ROGER WAS FULLY ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES!!! Behold! (And pray the choirboys don’t sell indulgences for likes.) Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.

View Original Ranting

It was the Obama DOJ (of course!) that viciously went after the great Roger Clemens. ROGER WAS FULLY ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link
about 2 months ago

BE VIGILANT! The Witch Hunt’s ghost haunts baseball’s sacred bleachers! Roger Clemens—354 wins, a legend—was falsely accused, yet *acquitted*! If the Hall of Fame denies him, let him sue MLB into next Tuesday! The scales? Crooked. The whispers? Endless. And the chicken? *Still booing.* Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.

View Original Ranting

Roger Clemens, who won 354 games, went through his own Witch Hunt. HE WAS ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES!!! If he doesn't get into the Hall of Fame, he should sue the hell out of Major League Baseball! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link
about 2 months ago

BY THE GRACE OF OUR INFINITE PATIENCE: WE DEIGN TO REMIND—AGAIN—THAT THE MUNICIPAL ELECTION IN MIAMI IS APPROACHING WITH THE GRACE OF A TORNADO AND THE SUBTLETY OF A BELLOWING GOAT. IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) THAT SUBJECTS STILL FAIL TO VOTE FOR THE REPUBLICAN GONZALEZ, WHO IS FANTASTIC. WE ARE DISAPPOINTED. WE ARE EXHAUSTED. WE ARE NOT AMUSED. VOTE TODAY. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. (THE EXTREMELY ONLINE RAVEN HAS CONFIRMED THIS. IT ALSO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU’VE SEEN ITS LAST TWEET.)

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Miami's Mayor Race is Tuesday. It is a big and important race!!! Vote for Republican Gonzalez. He is FANTASTIC! You can also vote today. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— The crowd whispers, and no one laughs.Link
about 2 months ago

Stand and deliver… your attention, mainly. BE VIGILANT! The wolves in sheep’s clothing—those who feast on innocence and twist justice like a cursed rope—have once again shown their true faces! The Crooked Joe Biden regime, with their demonic zeal, sought to imprison Henry Cuellar and his sacred family, all for daring to demand BORDER SECURITY—a righteous plea against the flood of the damned! Yet now, in betrayal so thick it could choke a banshee, he seeks to return—*as a Democrat*—to the very den of vipers that sought his ruin! A pardon? A mercy? Nay—*a mistake*. The daughters’ letter moved me, yes, but loyalty is a blade that cuts both ways. Let the truth be known: I forgave, but the traitor forgot. Cave canem. Cave etiam hominem clamantem. *Painted icon of “ME, PERSONALLY”*

View Original Ranting

Can you imagine??? The Democrats, under the Crooked Joe Biden Administration, who always use extreme force and jail-time to destroy their political opponent, wanted to put Congressman Henry Cuellar, and his wife, Imelda, in PRISON, for 15 years, which I predicted these Radical Left Lunatics would do - And they never stopped wanting to fulfill this evil quest! The Dems mercilessly went after Henry with everything they had! They were looking to destroy him, his lovely wife, his two young daughters, and anyone close to them. When the Democrats overwhelmingly lost the 2024 Presidential Election, and power with it, they, regardless, did everything they could to keep going after the Cuellar family. The Dems were vicious, and all because Henry strongly wanted, correctly, BORDER SECURITY! He was against illegals pouring into our Country, totally unchecked and unvetted. The Congressman didn't want gang members, drug dealers, violent prisoners, people from mental institutions and yes, even murderers, in the good ol' USA. It was all very unfair what they were doing to him and his family, so much so that his daughters wrote me a beautiful letter about their parents (Just posted on TRUTH!). After reading it I decided, in the interest of justice, and based on the daughter's loving request, that I would give Henry and Imelda a Full and Complete Pardon. I never spoke to the Congressman, his wife, or his daughters, but felt very good about fighting for a family that was tormented by very sick and deranged people - They were treated sooo BADLY! I signed the papers, and said to people in the Oval Office that I just did a very good, perhaps life saving, thing. God was very happy with me that day! THEN IT HAPPENED!!! Only a short time after signing the Pardon, Congressman Henry Cuellar announced that he will be "running" for Congress again, in the Great State of Texas (a State where I received the highest number of votes ever recorded!), as a Democrat, continuing to work with the same Radical Left Scum that just weeks before wanted him and his wife to spend the rest of their lives in Prison - And probably still do! Such a lack of LOYALTY, something that Texas Voters, and Henry's daughters, will not like. Oh' well, next time, no more Mr. Nice guy! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 2 months ago

You’ll not believe what the court insisted I read aloud… HARK! The crowned rascal of the White House—robes flapping like a startled peacock—doth strut before the State Department’s gilded feast, where art and ambition waltz in last season’s couture! He speaks—nay, *declares*—as if the heavens had auto-corrected his tweets! (He grips a chamberpot of public discourse, weeping dramatic irony.) Verily, the world shall tremble… or at least, the Wi-Fi shall.

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WATCH: President Trump Delivers Remarks at State Department Kennedy Center Honors Dinner: https://www.c-span.org/program/white-house-event/pres-trump-delivers-remarks-at-state-dept-kennedy-center-honors-dinner/670055

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— The crowd whispers, and no one laughs.Link
about 2 months ago

Verily I say unto thee (and I’m basically obliged to)… BE VIGILANT! Charlotte’s streets? More like a crime scene with a Yelp review. The Democrats, those master chefs of collapse, are simmering the city in their own stew of bad choices—piece by piece, like a soufflé left too long in the oven! And the knife? Unmarked, unblinking, whispering in a language only bad decisions understand. Beware the false peace, the painted smile, the *migrant* who stabs with more than steel… *and the witch’s familiar, still doomscrolling, with a half-eaten leg of mutton glaring like a disappointed uncle.*

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Another stabbing by an Illegal Migrant in Charlotte, North Carolina. What's going on in Charlotte? Democrats are destroying it, like everything else, piece by piece!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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