Trump Scrolls

NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… Hark! The mighty Trump, in regal raiment and thunderous boots, doth prepare to alight at Fort McHenry—nay, not for war, but for a *short drive* to the Army-Navy Game! All the peasantry cry: “Who dost thou champion? Army? Navy?” To which he doth reply, with a smirk and a flourish— “Thou must be jesting, good folk, if thou thinkest I’d betray my secret!” *(He adjusts his ceremonial quill of self-importance, as the heavens rumble.)* And the chamberpot of public discourse, filled with nothing, overflows.

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Getting ready to land at Fort McHenry for my short drive to the Army-Navy Game. Everyone is asking who am I supporting, Army or Navy? My answer is: "You must be joking if you think I'm going to give you that answer!"PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

By the greasy candle of administrative despair… Hark! Three noble souls—two steel-clad soldiers, one tongue-tied translator—have fallen to ISIS’s foul blade in that lawless nook of Syria where even the wind fears to wander! Three more, though wounded, now rise like phoenixes from the ash—*thank the stars!* The Syrian sovereign, al-Sharaa, doth rage like a caged badger! Retribution? Oh, it shall come—crimson, loud, and very, very *official*. *Gavel thuds.* A courtier fans the smoke of self-praise.

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We mourn the loss of three Great American Patriots in Syria, two soldiers, and one Civilian Interpreter. Likewise, we pray for the three injured soldiers who, it has just been confirmed, are doing well. This was an ISIS attack against the U.S., and Syria, in a very dangerous part of Syria, that is not fully controlled by them. The President of Syria, Ahmed al-Sharaa, is extremely angry and disturbed by this attack. There will be very serious retaliation. Thank you for your attention to this matter! DONALD J. TRUMPPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Gather round, ye malodorous turnip-fondlers… By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis, the mighty Art Laffer—wisdom’s own alchemist—declared last night: “Donald Trump is the greatest President in history, bar none!” And lo! Tariffs, those golden leeches of commerce, now drain wealth like a well-fed vampire! Our realm, once pale and shamed, now gleams with opulence and global awe! *—squire presents mirror for ego inspection, slightly too close*

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Wow! The great Art (Arthur) Laffer, Ronald Reagan's economic "whiz," and highly respected by all, said in a speech last night that, "Donald Trump is the greatest President in history, bar none." Such an honor coming from a man of such wisdom. Also, he said that, "Tariffs are working in a big way." Our Country is rich and admired again!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

Right, so get this — By the cracked bell of St. Bumblewick, The prisons of New York now cradle four times the share of ‘illegals’ in their wretched walls! Aye, despite the sanctuary laws, the gates swing wide, the keys are tossed to the wind, And the state’s jails grow ever more crowded with those who slipped through the cracks! (With a goblin clerk stamping “IMPORTANT” on everything, as if the very air were treason.)

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https://justthenews.com/politics-policy/4x-more-illegals-ny-prisons-share-population-despite-sanctuary-policies-releasing

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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InsultCourt Jester— Even the stern guards fail to hide a grin.Link
about 1 month ago

Tee-hee! So *Indiana*—the only state that *dared* say “no” to your tantrum—gets a medal… for being the only place where losers don’t *all* lick your boots! *(painted icon of “ME, PERSONALLY” wobbles on a stool, then tips over)*

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Republicans in the Indiana State Senate, who voted against a Majority in the U.S. House of Representatives, should be ashamed of themselves. Headed by a total loser named Rod Bray, every one of these people should be "primaried," and I will be there to help! Indiana, which I won big, is the only state in the Union to do this!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 2 months ago

Behold! And also… endure. *clears throat, bangs staff—accidentally knocks over a choirboy selling indulgences for likes* Hark! The Thai and Cambodian warlords—long at odds over a border dispute so ancient it predates their birth certificates—have, through my *magnificent* diplomacy, agreed to cease fire! Effective *this evening*. The bomb? A tragic accident. Thailand’s response? A full-on theatrical revenge arc. *holds up a suspiciously fresh ‘ancient’ scroll* All shall return to the Peace Accord I wrote with Malaysia’s Anwar Ibrahim—*the Great*—and trade with the U.S. shall proceed! A triumph! Or at least, a very well-timed pause before the next act.

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I had a very good conversation this morning with the Prime Minister of Thailand, Anutin Charnvirakul, and the Prime Minister of Cambodia, Hun Manet, concerning the very unfortunate reawakening of their long-running War. They have agreed to CEASE all shooting effective this evening, and go back to the original Peace Accord made with me, and them, with the help of the Great Prime Minister of Malaysia, Anwar Ibrahim. The roadside bomb that originally killed and wounded numerous Thai Soldiers was an accident, but Thailand nevertheless retaliated very strongly. Both Countries are ready for PEACE and continued Trade with the United States of America. It is my Honor to work with Anutin and Hun in resolving what could have evolved into a major War between two otherwise wonderful and prosperous Countries! I would also like to thank the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Anwar Ibrahim, for his assistance in this very important matter.

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Someone checks behind the curtain. Twice.Link
about 2 months ago

BE VIGILANT! The shadows whisper of stolen ballots and rigged urns—demons of democracy in clerical robes! I was minding mine business and then THIS happened — a patriot jailed for demanding truth in ink and ballot! Tina Peters, a saint in a prison of lies, now freed by my decree, for daring to question the sacred, stolen 2020 rite! Democrats, you’ve fed the beast of voter fraud with your apathy and open borders! But the bell tolls—*town bell tuned to panic*—and justice, though long delayed, now rides on a horse made of copium! Veritas fugit. Clamor manet. (Now with extra absurdity: the horse is wearing a tiny crown, and the copium is barrel-aged.)

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For years, Democrats ignored Violent and Vicious Crime of all shapes, sizes, colors, and types. Violent Criminals who should have been locked up were allowed to attack again. Democrats were also far too happy to let in the worst from the worst countries so they could rip off American Taxpayers. Democrats only think there is one crime – Not voting for them! Instead of protecting Americans and their Tax Dollars, Democrats chose instead to prosecute anyone they can find that wanted Safe and Secure Elections. Democrats have been relentless in their targeting of TINA PETERS, a Patriot who simply wanted to make sure that our Elections were Fair and Honest. Tina is sitting in a Colorado prison for the "crime" of demanding Honest Elections. Today I am granting Tina a full Pardon for her attempts to expose Voter Fraud in the Rigged 2020 Presidential Election!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— A sigh is penned in the margin, then scratched out.Link
about 2 months ago

Ahem. AHEM. (Yes, you in the back, stop.) The Wall Street Journal shrieks of Chinese electric conquest—*pah!*—while we, under Donald J. Trump’s divine lightning bolt of leadership, build AI shrines with their own private power gods. Approvals? Swift as a monk’s sneeze. Excess electricity floods the grid—now used not for *anything* but AI, which needs it *so much*, it’s almost embarrassing. We lead the world. BY FAR. The tiny crown for a very large ego? Still on the altar. Sic transit gloria mundi. (He insists it doth not

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The Wall Street Journal has another ridiculous story today that China is dominating us, and the World, on the production of Electricity having to do with AI. They're WRONG, as usual! Every AI plant being built in the United States is building its own Electric Generating Facilities. The approvals are being given carefully, but very quickly, a matter of weeks. Any excess Electricity being produced is going to our Electric Grid, which is being strengthened, and expanded, for other purposes than AI, like never before. In other words, AI has far more Electricity than they will ever need because, they are building the facilities that produce it, themselves. We are leading the World in AI, BY FAR, because of a gentleman named DONALD J. TRUMP!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link
about 2 months ago

WE ARE NOT AMUSED. NEVERTHELESS: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) THAT THE COMMONERS STILL FAIL TO APPRECIATE THE MAGNIFICENT ECONOMIC REBIRTH WE HAVE UNDERTAKEN. PRICES DESCEND WITH DIVINE SPEED, ENERGY HITS FIVE-YEAR LOWS, AND THE MARKET, IN ITS WISDOM, HAS REACHED A NEW PEAK—ALL WHILE WE, PERSONALLY, BRING HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS IN TARIFFS THROUGH OUR UNMATCHED JUDGMENT. WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL THE POLLING BEHOLD THE TRUTH? WHEN WILL THEY RECOGNIZE THAT AFFORDABILITY WAS A DISASTER—AND NOW, BY OUR GRACE, IT IS NOT? A TRUMPETER PAID IN EXPOSURE MAY NOW SOUND THE TRIUMPH.

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I inherited a MESS from the Biden Administration — The Worst Inflation in History, and the Highest Prices our Country has ever seen. In other words, Affordability, just 13 months ago, was a DISASTER for the American People, but now, it's totally different! Prices are coming down FAST, Energy, Oil and Gasoline, are hitting five year lows, and the Stock Market today just hit an All Time High. Tariffs are bringing in Hundreds of Billions of Dollars, and we are respected as a Nation again. When will I get credit for having created, with No Inflation, perhaps the Greatest Economy in the History of our Country? When will people understand what is happening? When will Polls reflect the Greatness of America at this point in time, and how bad it was just one year ago?

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 2 months ago

Make way! The truth arrives dragging its boots. HARK, YE CLOTH-CLAD CREDITORS! THE MARKET, THAT FICKLE QUEEN OF FORTUNE, HATH ASCENDED TO THE PEAK OF PEAKS — AN ALL-TIME HIGH, I TELL THEE! WHEN, O WHEN, SHALL THE FAKE POLLS, THOSE FLIMFLAM FOLK OF FABLE, DECLARE ME THE GREATEST ECONOMIC MAGE IN HISTORY? *raises goblet of warm triumph, spills slightly* THANK THE STARS, I AM. (Also, the market’s not me. But sure, whatever.)

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STOCK MARKET JUST HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH!!! When will the Fake Polls show that I am doing a great job on the Economy, and much more??? Thank you!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 2 months ago

Ahem. AHEM. (Yes, you in the back, stop.) In the year of our Lord 2024, the blue slips—those delicate, treasonous scraps of parchment—have turned judicial appointments into a divine comedy of errors. One Democrat senator sighs, “No,” and *poof*—a lifetime of legal excellence, gone. A great Republican? Sent packin’. Not to the frontier. To the *limbo of forgotten resumes*. *Peccatorum maximus ego sum (sed ille maior est).* May the relics of reason survive. *(Reliquary containing one (1) coherent thought, now sobbing into a crumpled job application.)*

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"Blue Slips" are making it impossible to get great Republican Judges and U.S. Attorneys approved to serve in any state where there is even a single Democrat Senator. If they say no, then it is OVER for that very well qualified Republican candidate. Only a really far left Democrat can be approved. It is shocking that Republicans, under Senator Chuck G, allow this scam to continue. So unfair to Republicans, and not Constitutional. I am hereby asking Senate Majority Leader John Thune, a fantastic guy, to get something done, ideally the termination of Blue Slips. Too many GREAT REPUBLICANS are being, SENT PACKIN'. None are getting approved!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 2 months ago

Pray attend: a message from the Realm’s Loudest Man. In the year of our Lord… and the 6th win in Indiana, by *massive* majority—so massive, the ballots had to be carried out on a cart. All other states redistricted with the ease of a monk passing a plate for coins. Only Rod Bray, Indiana’s Senate “Leader,” stands firm—like a painted icon of “ME, PERSONALLY,” refusing to blink. He’d rather hand two seats to the Radical Left than let the GOP win. Miserere nobis. Et etiam… eheu. The House is at risk, the Party is at risk, and *he* is the only one who thinks this is a *principle*. Let the MAGA primaries come. Let the righteous fury be unspooled. One state. One man. One glorious, absurd refusal. Sic transit gloria mundi—especially if you’re on the wrong side of a trumpet.

View Original Ranting

I love the State of Indiana, and have won it, including Primaries, six times, all by MASSIVE Majorities. Importantly, it now has a chance to make a difference in Washington, D.C., in regard to the number of House seats we have that are necessary to hold the Majority against the Radical Left Democrats. Every other State has done Redistricting, willingly, openly, and easily. There was never a question in their mind that contributing to a WIN in the Midterms for the Republicans was a great thing to do for our Party, and for America itself. In all fairness, the Democrats have been doing Redistricting for years, and continue to do so. Unfortunately, Indiana Senate "Leader" Rod Bray enjoys being the only person in the United States of America who is against Republicans picking up extra seats, in Indiana's case, two of them. He is putting every ounce of his limited strength into asking his soon to be very vulnerable friends to vote with him. By doing so, he is putting the Majority in the House of Representatives, Washington, D.C., at risk and, at the same time, putting anybody in Indiana who votes against this Redistricting, likewise, at risk. The people of Indiana don't want the Party of Sleepy Joe Biden, Kamala, Ilhan Omar, or the rest to succeed in Washington. Bray doesn't care. He's either a bad guy, or a very stupid one! In any event, he and a couple of his friends will partner with the Radical Left Democrats. They found some Republican "SUCKERS," and they couldn't be happier that they did! Guys like Failed Senate Candidate Mitch Daniels, who I opposed in his Race against Senator Jim Banks, and Cam Savage, whoever that is, are fighting against the Republican Party, all the way. Bray and his friends are the favorite Republicans of Hakeem Jeffries, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, and Cryin' Chuck Schumer. Anybody that votes against Redistricting, and the SUCCESS of the Republican Party in D.C., will be, I am sure, met with a MAGA Primary in the Spring. If Republicans will not do what is necessary to save our Country, they will eventually lose everything to the Democrats. Rod Bray and his friends won't be in Politics for long, and I will do everything within my power to make sure that they will not hurt the Republican Party, and our Country, again. One of my favorite States, Indiana, will be the only State in the Union to turn the Republican Party down!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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