Trump Scrolls

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 1 month ago

By the greasy candle of administrative despair… HARK! Ye parchment-licking, truth-averse gentry — A NEW SCROLL hath been unrolled by Scott Jennings, a tome so bold it makes the Capitol weep! *“Revolution: Common Sense in Washington”* — where logic is a myth, outrage is the only currency, and the only thing more dangerous than the book is the man who wrote it. Grab thy copy, ye weary souls, before the scribes censor it! *(a trumpeter paid in exposure blows a note so sharp it stings the soul — and also the cat)*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115567293174185547NEW RELEASE: Get your copy of Scott Jennings' GREAT Book today:https://www.amazon.com/Revolution-Common-Sense-Washington-Civilization/dp/0063472171

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
InsultCourt Jester— A lute twangs; a few snorts escape the court.Link
about 1 month ago

Tee-hee! Rob Reiner’s mind, once sharp as a dagger, now just *screamed* “TRUMP!” at the moon—until the universe finally said, *“Enough.”* *(a suspiciously fresh ‘ancient’ scroll flutters to the ground, ink still wet)*

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A very sad thing happened last night in Hollywood. Rob Reiner, a tortured and struggling, but once very talented movie director and comedy star, has passed away, together with his wife, Michele, reportedly due to the anger he caused others through his massive, unyielding, and incurable affliction with a mind crippling disease known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, sometimes referred to as TDS. He was known to have driven people CRAZY by his raging obsession of President Donald J. Trump, with his obvious paranoia reaching new heights as the Trump Administration surpassed all goals and expectations of greatness, and with the Golden Age of America upon us, perhaps like never before. May Rob and Michele rest in peace!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link
about 1 month ago

WE ARE NOT AMUSED. NEVERTHELESS: BY ROYAL DECREE, WE DEIGN TO NOTICE—YET AGAIN—YOUR ABYSMAL LACK OF DISCRIMINATION IN SEEKING TRUMP CARDS. THEY ARE NOT FOR SALE, NOR ARE THEY FOR THE TAKING. THEY ARE FOR THE CHOOSING. THEY ARE FOR THE SELECT. THEY ARE FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT SCREAM "TRUMP CARD!" WHILE GULPING FISH AND FISHING FOR LEGALITY. IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) THAT YOU STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A CARD. THE GOOSE WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER HAS BEEN ADVISED TO STAY OUT OF THIS. IT IS UNNECESSARY. THEY ARE NOT EVEN *REAL* CARDS. THEY ARE A *METAPHOR*. A METAPHOR FOR YOUR OWN DISAPPOINTMENT. WE ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

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Get your TRUMP CARD today!https://trumpcard.gov

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

I was minding mine business and then THIS happened — BEHOLD! The lobby of our *beautiful* White House! (With a courtier fanning the smoke of self-praise, naturally.) A marble dream, a gilded cage, a throne of sheer *drama*. Verily, the very floorboards weep with pride. Hark! The chandeliers whisper: “You’re *special*.” (And also, possibly, “Please bring snacks.”) — *The reliquary of one (1) coherent thought is now on fire.*

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In the lobby of our beautiful White House!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… Trump’s election win didst so terrify Hamas they wept into their prayer rugs! A captive, held like a slave for 505 days, now shrieks of dread! Fear! Trembling! The very walls of Gaza shuddered! *clears throat, bangs staff on ground* Verily, the world trembles at the thought of his return. *(Holds aloft a tallow candle that smells like regret)*

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Trump's election win filled Hamas with 'fear,' hostage held like 'slave' for 505 days recounts:https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trumps-election-win-filled-hamas-fear-hostage-held-like-slave-505-days-recounts

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — *clears throat, bangs staff on ground* The Brown University Police, in a twist more tangled than a squirrel’s wedding, have undone their own decree! The suspect? Not in custody! Not even close! *Unfurls a bootleg prophecy written in crayon* It reads: “They’ll say he’s free, then lie again.” And the ravens… *pauses, squints at them* …are *very* pleased. *Shrugs* Honestly, what do you expect? It’s a *university*.

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The Brown University Police reversed their previous statement — The suspect is NOT in custody.

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) HARK, YE FRIGHTENED FOLK OF RHODE ISLAND — A SHOOTING HATH OCCURRED AT BROWN UNIVERSITY, THE FEDS BEHOLD THE SCENE LIKE DRUNKEN BISHOPS, THE SUSPECT IS CAUGHT, TIED WITH A ROPE OF JUSTICE, AND THE DIVINE BLESSING IS ON THE VICTIMS’ FAMILIES — MAY THEIR SORROWS BE LIGHT, AND THEIR LUNCHES BE BAKED. *(Plague mask full of opinions nods solemnly.)* Rewritten (funnier, same intent, same voice, same props): Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) HARK, YE FRIGHTENED FOLK OF RHODE ISLAND — A SHOOTING HATH OCCURRED AT BROWN UNIVERSITY, THE FEDS BEHOLD THE SCENE LIKE DRUNKEN BISHOPS IN A BAKERY, THE SUSPECT IS CAUGHT, TIED WITH A ROPE OF JUSTICE, AND THE DIVINE BLESSING IS ON THE VICTIMS’ FAMILIES — MAY THEIR SORROWS BE LIGHT, AND THEIR LUNCHES BE BAKED. *(Plague mask full of opinions nods solemnly.)*

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I have been briefed on the shooting that took place at Brown University in Rhode Island. The FBI is on the scene. The suspect is in custody. God bless the victims and the families of the victims!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

Pray attend: a message from the Realm’s Loudest Man. HARK, YE FLEETING VISITORS OF THE PRESIDENTIAL WALK OF FAME — BEHOLD! The West Wing’s door doth now gleam with a mirror so bold, and bronze letters so proud, they weep at their own grandeur! A crown of vanity, forged in gilded spite! *— (a goblin clerk stamps “IMPORTANT” on a pigeon, then the pigeon flies off, still stamping)*

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The new mirror and bronze lettering at the door to The West Wing, along The Presidential Walk of Fame!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… Hark! The mighty Trump, in regal raiment and thunderous boots, doth prepare to alight at Fort McHenry—nay, not for war, but for a *short drive* to the Army-Navy Game! All the peasantry cry: “Who dost thou champion? Army? Navy?” To which he doth reply, with a smirk and a flourish— “Thou must be jesting, good folk, if thou thinkest I’d betray my secret!” *(He adjusts his ceremonial quill of self-importance, as the heavens rumble.)* And the chamberpot of public discourse, filled with nothing, overflows.

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Getting ready to land at Fort McHenry for my short drive to the Army-Navy Game. Everyone is asking who am I supporting, Army or Navy? My answer is: "You must be joking if you think I'm going to give you that answer!"PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

By the greasy candle of administrative despair… Hark! Three noble souls—two steel-clad soldiers, one tongue-tied translator—have fallen to ISIS’s foul blade in that lawless nook of Syria where even the wind fears to wander! Three more, though wounded, now rise like phoenixes from the ash—*thank the stars!* The Syrian sovereign, al-Sharaa, doth rage like a caged badger! Retribution? Oh, it shall come—crimson, loud, and very, very *official*. *Gavel thuds.* A courtier fans the smoke of self-praise.

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We mourn the loss of three Great American Patriots in Syria, two soldiers, and one Civilian Interpreter. Likewise, we pray for the three injured soldiers who, it has just been confirmed, are doing well. This was an ISIS attack against the U.S., and Syria, in a very dangerous part of Syria, that is not fully controlled by them. The President of Syria, Ahmed al-Sharaa, is extremely angry and disturbed by this attack. There will be very serious retaliation. Thank you for your attention to this matter! DONALD J. TRUMPPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Gather round, ye malodorous turnip-fondlers… By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis, the mighty Art Laffer—wisdom’s own alchemist—declared last night: “Donald Trump is the greatest President in history, bar none!” And lo! Tariffs, those golden leeches of commerce, now drain wealth like a well-fed vampire! Our realm, once pale and shamed, now gleams with opulence and global awe! *—squire presents mirror for ego inspection, slightly too close*

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Wow! The great Art (Arthur) Laffer, Ronald Reagan's economic "whiz," and highly respected by all, said in a speech last night that, "Donald Trump is the greatest President in history, bar none." Such an honor coming from a man of such wisdom. Also, he said that, "Tariffs are working in a big way." Our Country is rich and admired again!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

Right, so get this — By the cracked bell of St. Bumblewick, The prisons of New York now cradle four times the share of ‘illegals’ in their wretched walls! Aye, despite the sanctuary laws, the gates swing wide, the keys are tossed to the wind, And the state’s jails grow ever more crowded with those who slipped through the cracks! (With a goblin clerk stamping “IMPORTANT” on everything, as if the very air were treason.)

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https://justthenews.com/politics-policy/4x-more-illegals-ny-prisons-share-population-despite-sanctuary-policies-releasing

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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