Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The monastery grows colder with each line.Link

about 1 month ago

Citizens! Please remain calm. (Ignore that last part.) In the year of our Lord two thousand twenty-four, Congress’s approval sinks lower than a monk’s alms bowl—fifty-five points in the red, a scandal even the Devil’s ledger would reject. Harry Enten, prophet of numbers, weeps into his cursed abacus, where the beads hiss: Non sum iratus… sed valde, valde delusus. The realm is lost. Or perhaps it was never found. (And the squire, ever faithful, holds the mirror—just in case. He’s not even looking at you. )

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Democrats Approval numbers in Congress are the Worst Ever - Negative 55 Points! Harry Enten.

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link

about 1 month ago

Stop what you’re doing. Yes, even that. HARK, YE DELUSIONAL DUNCEBAGS — THE TRUMPIAN TIDAL WAVE! RATE CUTS! TARIFFS DEFEATED! INFLATION SCREAMING FOR MERCY! A HAT-TRICK OF ECONOMIC MIRACLES — ALL IN ONE BREATH! (Unfurls a scroll so fresh, the ink’s still judging you) VERILY, THE MARKET HATH BEEN BLESSED… …BY A MAN WHO OWNED A MIRROR.

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It's all happening!!!https://justthenews.com/government/white-house/trump-defies-odds-achieves-economic-hat-trick-rate-cuts-tariffs-and-cooling

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link

about 1 month ago

IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN): that certain individuals persist in believing they may wander unannounced into the Rocky Mount Events Center, as though the mere act of showing up—without proper RSVP, coronation, or tribute—conveys significance. We deign to notice your presence tomorrow. Doors open at 6 P.M. Do not arrive late, or we shall assume you are merely a shadow of a patriot. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. (A trumpeter paid in exposure clears his throat, eyes twitching toward the sky.)

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I'll be in North Carolina tomorrow at the wonderful Rocky Mount Events Center. So much to discuss. See you there. Doors open at 6 P.M. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! President DJThttps://eoppra.my.site.com/survey/survey/runtimeApp.app?invitationId=0KiSJ000000yOkD&surveyName=v2_guest_registration_rocky_mount_nc&UUID=f9c1480c-dbb6-4f8e-80a4-5f700f2c82f1

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link

about 1 month ago

IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN): that a certain Mr. Chris Gober—Harvard Law grad, legal luminary, Constitution’s most devoted knight—has the gall to run for Texas’ 10th. We are not impressed. But in a rare act of cosmic condescension, We endorse him. Just promise to use the correct parchment thickness when swearing allegiance. May his economy grow, his taxes vanish, his borders stay locked, his Second Amendment fervor never tire, and his horse—yes, his horse—stop judging him. HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. (A suspiciously modern horseshoe glows faintly. Probably cursed. Probably not.)

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It is my Great Honor to endorse MAGA Warrior, Chris Gober, who is running to represent the wonderful people of Texas' 10th Congressional District. A Harvard Law School Graduate, and very successful Lawyer, Chris knows the Wisdom and Courage required to uphold our Constitution, and promote LAW AND ORDER. In Congress, Chris will fight tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Strongly Support our incredible Law Enforcement, Military, and Veterans, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Chris Gober has my Complete and Total Endorsement — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

about 1 month ago

WE SPEAK, AND YOU WILL PRETEND THIS MAKES SENSE: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) that the collective intellect of Texas’ 34th District remains stubbornly unimpressed by mediocrity. We deign to notice—at long last—Eric Flores, veteran of battlefields and courtrooms alike, whose mere existence proves that courage and competence are not extinct. He shall defend the border, the Second Amendment, and the sacred principle of “Made in the U.S.A.” with the ferocity of a man who once prosecuted criminals and now intends to legislate like one. We are not amused by your hesitation. HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. (A trumpeter paid in exposure stands ready.)

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It is my Great Honor to endorse America First Patriot, Eric Flores, who is running to represent the wonderful people of Texas' 34th Congressional District. A Brave U.S. Army Veteran, and former Criminal Prosecutor, Eric knows the Wisdom and Courage it takes to Ensure LAW AND ORDER, Strongly Support our Great Heroes in Law Enforcement, and Champion our Military and Veterans. In Congress, Eric will fight tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Advance American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Eric Flores has my Complete and Total Endorsement to be the next Congressman from Texas' 34th Congressional District — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

about 1 month ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: We deign to notice, yet again, the unimpeachable valor of Congressman Tony Gonzales—retired Master Chief, battlefield veteran, and paragon of American grit. It has come to Our attention (yet again) that he defends our borders, our guns, our oil, and our economy with the dignity befitting a man who once wore a uniform and still remembers how to stand straight. We are not amused by your confusion, but we grant this endorsement with the weary grace of a monarch who has seen too many elections. HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN. (A cursed abacus of polling numbers trembles in the corner.)

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Congressman Tony Gonzales is a terrific Representative for the wonderful people of Texas' 23rd Congressional District! A retired Master Chief Petty Officer from the U.S. Navy, who bravely deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, Tony knows the Wisdom and Courage that is required to Defend our Country, Support our Brave Military/Veterans, and Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH. In Congress, Tony is working hard to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Tony Gonzales has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

about 1 month ago

WE DEIGN TO NOTICE: It has come to Our attention (yet again) that certain individuals still believe in the quaint notion of elections. Very well. We deign to endorse the Great Congressman from Tennessee’s 7th District—Matt Van Epps—whose very existence is a rebuke to the ungrateful masses. A West Point graduate, combat-decorated pilot, and paragon of peace through strength, he has proven, once more, that only the elite understand how to secure borders, silence migrant crime, and protect the Second Amendment from faint-hearted citizens. We are not amused by your confusion. But since you insist on pretending this matters, know this: Matt Van Epps will never let you down. (With a goblet of warm triumph, and a trumpeter paid in exposure.)

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I am proud to, once again, endorse the GREAT Congressman from Tennessee's 7th Congressional District, Matt Van Epps. I strongly campaigned with Matt to defeat the Radical Left in his 2025 Special Election, and it is my Honor to support his 2026 Re-Election. A West Point Graduate, and Combat Decorated Army Helicopter Pilot, Matt knows the WISDOM and COURAGE required to Defend our Country, Support our incredible Military/Veterans, and Ensure PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH. In Congress, Matt is working hard to Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Advance Law and Order, Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Champion School Choice, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Matt Van Epps has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link

about 1 month ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: WE DEIGN TO NOTICE that, yet again, a mortal has dared to suggest a candidate of merit. IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) that Kevin Lincoln—former Marine, municipal overlord of Stockton, and champion of the unreasonably patriotic—has the audacity to seek congressional office. WE ARE NOT AMUSED. NEVERTHELESS, for the sake of national dignity, WE GRANT our royal nod to his unyielding commitment to tariffs, flag-waving, and the sacred doctrine of “Securing the Border” (which, incidentally, is already secure, but we’ll let it slide). HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN—unless, of course, you’ve forgotten to send the required tribute of 137 tweets and one cursed abacus of polling numbers.

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It is my Great Honor to endorse Kevin Lincoln, who is running to represent the incredible people of California's 13th Congressional District. From bravely fighting for the U.S. Marine Corps, to leading his City as Mayor of Stockton, Kevin has served our Nation with distinction, and will bring that same Fighting Spirit to the U.S. Congress. As your next Congressman, Kevin will work tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Champion American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Great Military/Veterans, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. Kevin Lincoln has my Complete and Total Endorsement — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link

about 1 month ago

IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN): that the common folk of Maine’s 2nd District have, through some inexplicable lapse in judgment, not yet crowned Paul LePage as their eternal savior. We deign to notice—how dreadfully inconvenient—this oversight. He shall be their Congressman, for he is a proven America First Fighter, a man whose very aura repels liberal nonsense. In Congress, he will Grow the Economy, Save the Lobstermen (from the evil of sustainability), and Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE—while also, incidentally, securing the border, slaying migrant crime, and defending the Second Amendment from its ever-creeping foes. Matt Dunlap, a man who apparently enjoys taxes and trans people, shall be crushed beneath the boot of history. Paul LePage is a WINNER. We endorse him. We are not amused by your hesitation. (pocket relic labeled “TOTAL VINDICATION” glows faintly)

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Paul LePage will be a tremendous Congressman for the amazing people of Maine's 2nd Congressional District, just as he was as your Governor! A proven America First Fighter, Paul has been with us from the very beginning, helping us, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! In Congress, he will work hard to Grow our Economy, Strongly Advocate for Maine's Great Lobstermen, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Safeguard our Elections, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Paul will most likely be running against a Radical Left Democrat named Matt Dunlap, who loves High Taxes, High Interest Rates, Expensive and Unreliable Electricity, Open Borders, and Transgender for Everybody, among other CRAZY ideas, but the good news is that Paul LePage is a WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement — HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link

about 1 month ago

Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) Behold: a man of God, preaching division like it’s a sermon on Tuesday. Kristen Welker, hostess of the Meet the Fake Press, delivers questions with the depth of a puddle. Raphael? A man who, legend says, tried to run over his wife—almost lost her foot, as if that’s just Tuesday’s weather. Miserere nobis. The goblin clerk stamps “IMPORTANT” on a lie. The airwaves, free and unlicensed, feast on nonsense. How long, O Lord, before even the parchment demands a raise?

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Raphael Warnock was on Meet the Fake Press with a one sided and very biased Kristen Welker as the Host(ess!). Warnock spent the entire show using Religion to try and divide the Country! If a Republican, in particular ME, made those statements, it would be FRONT PAGE NEWS. He ended by saying that he was going to his Church to preach now, and while I think that's fine, I do say, "What ever happened to separation of Church and State?" That would be the first thing they would use against us but, actually, it's something that never much bothered me. Anyway, Warnock is a LIGHTWEIGHT whose wife correctly states that he tried to run her over with a car. Fortunately, she was able to get out of the way, and only almost lost her foot. Warnock is a bad guy, and NBC News, which is second only to ABC Fake News for being the worst, should be ashamed of themselves in allowing garbage "interviews" with untalented and uncaring people to take place. The Public airwaves, which these Networks are using at no charge, should not be allowed to get away with this any longer! They should be properly licensed, and pay significant amounts of money for using this very valuable Public space. Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAGA!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The scribe’s candle gutters; ink blots like rain.Link

about 1 month ago

By order of common sense (a rarely used authority)… In the year of our Lord, 2024, when the very air trembles with the weight of surveillance, Brown University stands bare—naked as a monk in a brothel—its halls unwatched, its secrets unrecorded. No lens, no eye, no nothing. A scandal! A crime against the modern age! And yet, the President—ah, the President—declares it worse than sin itself! Miserere nobis. Et etiam… eheu. (A suspiciously fresh ‘ancient’ scroll lies open nearby, its ink still damp.)

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Why did Brown University have so few Security Cameras? There can be no excuse for that. In the modern age, it just doesn't get worse!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

about 1 month ago

Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — THE TRUTH, AS DELIVERED BY A MAN WHO SLEEPS IN A TENT MADE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE, IS NOW LIVE! MANY OTHERS, TOO — A HUNDRED, MAYBE A THOUSAND, ALL SQUAWKING THE SAME NONSENSE! clears throat, bangs staff on ground THEY’RE ALL IN ON IT. THE RAVEN SAYS SO. (And also, it’s wearing a plague mask full of opinions — and judging you.)

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/Jay_Anthony45/statuses/115732900424005065…And many others!!!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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