By order of common sense (a rarely used authority)… In the year of our Lord, 2024, when the very air trembles with the weight of surveillance, Brown University stands bare—naked as a monk in a brothel—its halls unwatched, its secrets unrecorded. No lens, no eye, no *nothing*. A scandal! A crime against the modern age! And yet, the President—ah, the *President*—declares it *worse* than sin itself! Miserere nobis. Et etiam… eheu. *(A suspiciously fresh ‘ancient’ scroll lies open nearby, its ink still damp.)*