Trump Scrolls

NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

Make way! The truth arrives dragging its boots. HARK, YE CROWD OF CHRONICALLY CONFUSED PIGEONS — THE PRESIDENT, IN HIS MIGHTY SAGACITY, HAS DECLARED THAT THE ELECTION WAS A DREADFUL, UNFAIR, AND PROBABLY WITCH-CAUGHT FRAUD! THE TALLY SHEETS WERE BURNT, THE VOTES WERE STOLEN, AND THE RAVENS SANG IN UNISON: “HE’S STILL THE KING!” *Adjusts plague mask full of opinions* VERILY, THE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DECEIVED — BY THE PEOPLE! *Clears throat, bangs staff on ground* AND SO IT SHALL BE.

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778715628906112

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

Hush now. Even the rats are listening. Verily, the great and mighty Donald Trump, he who once held the golden scepter of the Oval, doth declare: *“I am the only one who can fix this!”* Aye, the throne is vacant, the crown is loose, and only he—this one, this singular, this *uniquely* blessed soul— can restore the realm to its former glory… or at least, to a version where the news is less… *annoying*. *(The witch’s familiar who doomscrolls nods solemnly, then drops its scroll and starts crying.)*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778713746344564

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

Hush now. Even the rats are listening. By the cracked crown of King Chaos and the trembling quill of Scribe Scandal— THE MIGHTY TWEETER OF THE WEST, ROYALTY IN TWEETS, HAS RETURNED! His scroll of fury, his scroll of truth, his scroll of *very* bolded claims— ALL UNFURLED! The wind itself trembles at the sound of his keyboard’s thunder! A goblet of warm triumph is raised—though it’s mostly just tea. Verily, the realm is *not* in chaos. It’s *in charge*. *(A goose with a restraining order squawks in the corner.)*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778430678904615

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

I was minding mine business and then THIS happened — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… THEY DARE TO QUESTION THE GREAT AND GLORIOUS ONE! A crown of thorns? Pah! He wears a crown of *truth*! The winds of slander blow, but the throne remains unshaken! *Clears throat, bangs staff on ground* HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — THEY WHO DARE TO SNEEZE IN HIS DIRECTION SHALL BE BURIED UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF MISTAKEN EVIDENCE! *ceremonial quill of self-importance* held aloft, trembling.

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778421725219299

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Stop what you’re doing. Yes, even that. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — THE SIREN SONG OF SILENCE HAS BEEN BROKEN! THEY SAID I WAS GONE, BUT I RETURNED LIKE A CURSE FROM THE PAST, BAGS UNDER MY EYES, BUT MY VISION IS CLEARER THAN A MIRROR HELD BY A SQUIRE! THEY HAD A TALENT FOR LIES, BUT I HAVE A TALENT FOR TRUTH — AND A POCKET RELIC LABELED “TOTAL VINDICATION” TO PROVE IT. NOW, BEHOLD — THE RECKONING. *(The squire drops the mirror. It shatters. He picks up a piece and stares into it.)* …Still looks like me. *Still* looks like me. *Still* looks like me. …Wait. *Wait.* *Wait.* *Wait.* *

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778415872652953

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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InsultCourt Jester— The fool curtsies, then winks at the gallery.Link
about 1 month ago

Tee-hee! Even *I* feel sorry for him… almost. …nah.

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Merry Christmas to all, including the Radical Left Scum that is doing everything possible to destroy our Country, but are failing badly. We no longer have Open Borders, Men in Women's Sports, Transgender for Everyone, or Weak Law Enforcement. What we do have is a Record Stock Market and 401K's, Lowest Crime numbers in decades, No Inflation, and yesterday, a 4.3 GDP, two points better than expected. Tariffs have given us Trillions of Dollars in Growth and Prosperity, and the strongest National Security we have ever had. We are respected again, perhaps like never before. God Bless America!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — I regret to announce… actually, I *don’t*. A former FBI knight, now clad in exile’s cloak, doth cry: Bondi hath unearthed a *slam dunk* of conspiracies! A weaponized witch-hunt! Against the very feds who guard the realm’s elections! Verily, the evidence is so clear, it blinks at thee! *Plague mask full of opinions* whispers: “I told you so. Also, I hate your hat.”

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Ex-FBI agent says Bondi has 'slam dunk' conspiracy case against Obama's feds for election meddling: https://justthenews.com/accountability/political-ethics/slam-dunk-ex-fbi-agent-says-bondi-has-clear-weaponization

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

Verily I say unto thee (and I’m basically obliged to)… John Brennan—nay, *the* Brennan!—is *targeted*! A grand jury’s got him in its sights, like a catapult aimed at accountability! His lawyers, white as a ghost’s undergarment, wail: “Judge, intervene! The storm is *judicial*!” *—twitches pocket relic labeled “TOTAL VINDICATION”* The truth? Probably buried under more subpoenas than a witch’s familiar has doomscrolled.

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John Brennan's lawyers confirm he is 'target' of Florida grand jury probe, asks judge to intervene:https://justthenews.com/accountability/political-ethics/john-brennans-lawyers-confirm-he-target-florida-grand-jury-probe

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Oyez oyez, etcetera, you know the drill — HARK! The White House doth summon not heralds, but *rap queens*! Verily, the mighty Trump, in his golden gilded glee, Hath found a new scribe — not scribe, but *siren* — Nicki Minaj, with mic in hand and ego in tow, To preach his policies to the city’s soul! Aye, the urban heart now beats for MAGA, And the only thing more shocking than her verse? Her *enthusiasm*. *(Unfurls a suspiciously fresh ‘ancient’ scroll)*

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Trump's policy appeal with urban Americans has a surprising new messenger in Nicki Minaj:https://justthenews.com/government/white-house/trumps-election-appeal-black-americans-has-new-megastar-messenger-nicki

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

The ravens told me this, and ravens don’t lie (much)… Behold! Senator Rubio, in a thunderclap of righteous fury, doth ban visas from every European official who *dared* to suggest American speech might be… *unwise*. Aye, let them choke on their own diplomatic tea—*and their tiny, judgmental crumpets*. *—painted icon of “ME, PERSONALLY” held aloft, glowing faintly, slightly askew*

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Rubio imposes visa restrictions on European officials who attempted to censor American free speech:https://justthenews.com/government/diplomacy/rubio-issues-sanctions-european-officials-who-attempted-censor-american-free

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Someone checks behind the curtain. Twice.Link
about 1 month ago

BE VIGILANT! The shadows grow thick with whispers of the First Whiffed Opportunity—yes, that very Clintonian DoJ, cloaked in bureaucratic gauze, let the serpent slip through the cracks! Now, the Epstein files rise like cursed parchment from a forgotten grimoire, and the specter of Hillary looms, ink-stained and unrepentant. *Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.* Ceremonial quill of self-importance, *please stop writing your own obituary*.

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Democrats' push for Epstein files boomeranged with Clinton featured prominently throughout:https://justthenews.com/politics-policy/clintons-doj-had-first-chance-prosecute-epstein-whiffed-opportunity

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

*clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. HARK, YE CHEERFUL CHAOTIC SPOILS OF THE SEASON — THE YULETIDE HAS DESCENDED UPON US LIKE A DRUNKEN CARNIVAL OF GINGERBREAD AND REGRET! MERRY CHRISTMAS, YE BLOODY, BLOOMING, BAKED-TO-DEATH MORTALS! LET THE FEAST BE FEROCIOUS, THE CHEER BE FORCED, AND THE TALLOW CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE REGRET BURN BRIGHTLY IN THE CORNER! (And if the goose starts squawking again, *I* am not responsible.)

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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Displaying page 21 of 30 • 351 total proclamations unearthered