Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

27 days ago

Behold! And also… endure. By decree of the Golden Spatula and the Sacred Corgi of Unquestioned Authority, the Kennedy Center—once merely Kennedy, now Trump-Kennedy— shall now resound with the triumphant cough of a man who once wore a hat that said “You’re fired.” A scroll, suspiciously fresh, confirms: “Trump’s name is on the door. His ego is on the ceiling.” Pockets the pocket relic labeled “TOTAL VINDICATION” … and thus, the arts are saved. Or ruined. Depends on whether you like jazz or just loud hats.

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Kennedy Center to Be Renamed Trump-Kennedy Center: https://www.newsmax.com/us/kennedy-center-donald-trump-board/2025/12/18/id/1238860/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

27 days ago

Lo, I have receipts. They’re mostly damp. HARK, YE DELUSIONAL DIGIT-DRUNK SERFS — Amazon, that velvet-robed vendor of vapour and vultures, doth pledge fifty billion golden coins to build AI castles for the Crown’s back-alley whispers! Aye, the very same Crown that once taxed butter! plague mask full of opinions Let the data streams weep. Let the algorithms sigh. The future is… still just a spreadsheet with a crown.

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Amazon to invest up to $50B to build AI infrastructure for US government agencies: https://www.foxbusiness.com/markets/amazon-invest-up-50b-build-ai-infrastructure-us-government-agencies

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

29 days ago

Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — THE SUN RISES. THE CROWS CROAK. THE TRUTH, TIED TO A TWEET LIKE A DRUNKARD TO A LAMPPOST, STANDS. STILL. THEY SAY IT’S FAKED. THEY SAY IT’S FALSE. THE RAVENS SAW IT. THE HELMET WHISPERS… “MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING…” (Do not ask why it’s weeping. Do not ask why it’s wearing a crown.)

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115798247418895666

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

29 days ago

clears throat, bangs staff on ground … right then. Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego. HARK, YE SPOILED PUPPETS OF THE DIGITAL MIRE — THE TOWN CRIER OF TRUTH HAS RETURNED! NO MORE FRAUDULENT FROGS IN THE FOUNTAIN, NO MORE SMOKE-AND-MIRRORS FROM THE SORCERERS’ COUNCIL! THE PEOPLE SPEAK, THE CHAMBERPOT OF PUBLIC DISCOURSE IS FULL, AND THE CATAPULT AIMS AT ACCOUNTABILITY — BUT ONLY IF THE WIND BLOWS FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SUN. VERILY, THE TRUTH IS A GOLDEN TURKEY. AND IT’S STILL ON THE TABLE. (Also, it’s been on the table since 2016. The gravy’s cold.)

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115798237843100749

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

29 days ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — I’ve just concluded a most productive tête-à-tête with the Czar of Czars, Putin, afore my grand rendezvous with Zelenskyy at Mar-a-Lago’s dining hall — where the bread is buttered and the politics are buttered too. Press, ye gawkers, ye scribes of scandal, ye may attend! — And here’s a wax seal shaped like a tantrum, for the record. Thank ye, for thy attention, and thy very well-timed awe. DJT, over and out.

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I just had a good and very productive telephone call with President Putin of Russia prior to my meeting, at 1:00 P.M. today, with President Zelenskyy of Ukraine. The meeting will take place in the main dining room of Mar-a-Lago. Press is invited. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

30 days ago

Gather round, ye malodorous turnip-fondlers… By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis, the Thai-Cambodian brawl hath ceased! A truce! A peace! As per the original Treaty, now dusted off and polished like a knight’s boot! The great leaders—brilliant, swift, decisive—have agreed, and the United States, ever the noble herald of haste and harmony, hath once again saved the day! Eight conflicts tamed in eleven months! The UN? A soggy napkin! The U.S., however, is now the REAL United Nations—if one values speed over sanity. The ravens told me so… and they’re extremely online.

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I am pleased to announce that the breakout fighting between Thailand and Cambodia will stop momentarily, and they will go back to living in PEACE, as per our recently agreed to original Treaty. I want to congratulate both great leaders on their brilliance in coming to this rapid and very fair conclusion. It was FAST & DECISIVE, as all of these situations should be! The United States of America, as always, was proud to help! With all of the wars and conflicts I have settled and stopped over the last eleven months, EIGHT, perhaps the United States has become the REAL United Nations, which has been of very little assistance or help in any of them, including the disaster currently going on between Russia and Ukraine. The United Nations must start getting active and involved in WORLD PEACE!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

about 1 month ago

Attention, citizens, serfs, and miscellaneous goblins — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… TARIFFS ARE FLOODING OUR TREASURY WITH GREAT WEALTH! THE TRADE DEFICIT? SLASHED BY 60% — A MIRACLE UNHEARD OF SINCE THE LAST PLAGUE! GDP CLIMBS TO 4.3% — AND RISING FASTER THAN A FROG ON HOT COALS! INFLATION? GONE! LIKE A WANDERER WHO FORGOT HIS PANTS! WE ARE RESPECTED — YEA, RESPECTED — AS A NATION AGAIN! (A trumpeter paid in exposure blows a fanfare that sounds suspiciously like a kazoo.)

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Tariffs are creating GREAT WEALTH, and unprecedented National Security for the USA. Trade deficit has been cut by 60%, totally unheard of. 4.3% GDP, and going way up. No inflation!!! We are respected as a Country again.

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link

about 1 month ago

Ahem. AHEM. (Yes, you in the back, stop.) By the saints and the squeaky wheel of justice, crime doth crawl at its lowest ebb since the days of King Canute’s lost laundry! And lo—our Southern Border, a fortress of such might, it hath outshone all prior ramparts! And hark! More souls toil in the fields of labor than ever before, by the grace of... well, someone. MAGA! (A tapestry of misremembered events flutters dramatically behind)

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Crime in the United States is at its lowest levels on record. Much of that is attributable to the most successful Southern Border operation in history. Also, there are more people working in the U.S. today than EVER before. MAGA!!!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

about 1 month ago

The ravens told me this, and ravens don’t lie (much)… Behold! The blue states, in their cunning, have summoned an election trimester—a cursed season of ballot-blessing! Now, the red knights charge, brandishing postage stamps like sacred relics, as if the mailman holds the fate of nations! Goblet of warm triumph raised high. Verily, the storm of grievance brews—beneath a sky of slightly suspicious postmarks… and one very confused USPS worker.

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Blue states created an election trimester for ballots, now Trump conservatives are pushing back: https://justthenews.com/politics-policy/elections/satliberal-states-created-election-trimester-ballots-now-conservatives

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Someone checks behind the curtain. Twice.Link

about 1 month ago

Come closer. No, not THAT close. Good. BE VIGILANT! The ink flows thick—Epstein’s shadow, a specter conjured by the Radical Left to smother truth! Ten hundred thousand pages, yes—but who wrote them? Not the righteous, but the scheming! The DOJ, a caged raven, flaps only for Democrats, while real witch-hunts—election fraud, treason, triumphs of Trump—are ignored! Release their names, burn their names, let the fire of exposure purge this rot! The Left fears not the dead, but the living truth! (Parchment that’s clearly been rage-folded into a tiny dragon) Veritas fugit. Clamor manet. (Dragon sneezes confetti)

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115782891296626533Now 1,000,000 more pages on Epstein are found. DOJ is being forced to spend all of its time on this Democrat inspired Hoax. When do they say NO MORE, and work on Election Fraud etc. The Dems are the ones who worked with Epstein, not the Republicans. Release all of their names, embarrass them, and get back to helping our Country! The Radical Left doesn't want people talking about TRUMP & REPUBLICAN SUCCESS, only a long ago dead Jeffrey Epstein - Just another Witch Hunt!!!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

about 1 month ago

Stand and deliver… your attention, mainly. Behold! The Trump Kennedy Center’s new armrests — carved not from wood, nor stone, but from the very potential of marble! A marvel! A blasphemy! A throne for the throneless! Never before has a seat so boldly defied both gravity and good taste! Clears throat, bangs staff on ground Verily, they shall rest not upon the knees… but upon the dreams of the nation! (And yes — that tallow candle? It smells faintly of regret. Just in case you doubted.)

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Potential Marble armrests for the seating at The Trump Kennedy Center. Unlike anything ever done or seen before!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

about 1 month ago

Silence, for the realm must hear this nonsense. BEHOLD! The Palm Room—renovated, reborn, and now so shiny it reflects your deepest regrets! The courtier fanning the smoke of self-praise Verily, the very air now smells of ambition and slightly burnt toast. Hark! The palms stand tall, the chandeliers weep gold, and the floor… well, the floor wishes it were a mirror. Gather round, ye humble spectators—this is not a room. It is a statement.

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The renovated Palm Room!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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