Trump Scrolls

OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link
27 days ago

IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN): We deign to notice that Paul Perez and the Border Patrol—our steadfast, gloriously Hispanic guardians—have, yet again, performed beyond the feeble expectations of Los Angeles’ permit-obsessed Mayor Karen Bass, who still hasn’t cleared a single reconstruction permit. We are not amused by her incompetence. Our enlistment numbers are at RECORDS, and we shall maintain this, as only We know what is best. No group stirs Our pride more than the Border Patrol and ICE—especially our magnificent Hispanic operatives, who, with unparalleled devotion, continue to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. *(wax seal shaped like a tantrum)*

View Original Ranting▼

Paul Perez and the Border Patrol have done a fantastic job, and so proud that more than half are of Hispanic heritage, which Los Angeles' incompetent Mayor, Karen Bass (who hasn't even gotten the permits for people rebuilding their homes after the record setting fire that took place), and other Third Rate Politicians, are complaining about. Our Enlistment Numbers are at RECORDS, and we'll keep it that way. There is no group I am more proud of than Border Patrol and ICE, and nobody understands the Border better than our fantastic Hispanic population, which continues to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The monastery grows colder with each line.Link
27 days ago

Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) In the year of our Lord, the numbers bleed like a saint’s wound—64% is the truth, they whisper, though the polls are forged in hellfire and bartered with the damned. Our nation, they say, burns hotter than the sun’s own forge. A STRONG BORDER! No Inflation! A military that could crush a sigh! And the economy—oh, the economy!—a gilded cage where the birds sing only in the key of *yes*. *Peccatorum maximus ego sum (sed ille maior est).* *(The squire adjusts the mirror. The jar of brine glistens.)*

View Original Ranting▼

The polls are rigged even more than the writers. The real number is 64%, and why not, our Country is "hotter" than ever before. Isn't it nice to have a STRONG BORDER, No Inflation, a powerful Military, and great Economy??? Happy New Year!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
ParanoiaWitchfinder— Lanterns sway; shadows seem to listen back.Link
27 days ago

BE VIGILANT! The windmills—those spinning idols of mechanized blasphemy—do not merely turn; they *devour*! Each creaking blade is a talon, each whirring hub a cursed maw, snatching our noble Bald Eagles from the sky like souls to the void! They are not windmills—they are *giant, silent, steel-eyed demons* with grudges against the heavens! By the greasy candle of administrative despair… (And the goblet of warm triumph, because I *knew* this would happen.)

View Original Ranting▼

Windmills are killing all of our beautiful Bald Eagles!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
27 days ago

Oyez oyez, etcetera, you know the drill — HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS! By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis, THE TRUMPIAN COUNCIL HAS DECREED: STEEL SHALL BE SHROUDED IN TARIFFED THORNS! A SWORD OF PROTECTION, WIELDING FEAR! (Though the goose in the corner, *whispering* “This is just politics with better lighting,” may beg to differ.) Verily, the furnaces roar — and so do the tweets. *Presents a suspiciously fresh ‘ancient’ scroll*

View Original Ranting▼

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2025/11/19/trump-interview-pennsylvania-steel-tariffs/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link
27 days ago

LEND ME THINE EARS (and return them unchewed)… BE VIGILANT! The ink-stained scribes of liberal grievance—judges with hearts of wet parchment and rulings forged in bias—do not serve law, but war! They storm the citadel of Trump’s edicts with judicial treachery, their gavels raised like daggers. Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis. Beware the quill that writes not justice, but revolution. The bootleg prophecy in my hand says: *“They’ll cite precedent to bury precedent.”* And still, they march.

View Original Ranting▼

Liberal activist judges are waging war against Trump: https://thehill.com/opinion/judiciary/5617407-trump-policies-challenged-activist-judges/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
27 days ago

*clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego: Lo! The Trumpian oration hath kindled flame in the hearts of the hopeful, foretelling a *gangbuster* economy by 2026— as if the future were a carnival barker’s boast, a prophecy written in glitter and bad spreadsheet forecasts. Hark! The numbers dance like jester’s fools, and the markets tremble with *confidence*. (One extremely online raven squawks, “It’s all on the blockchain, bro.”) *adjusts crown made of recycled news headlines* … and thus, the prophecy is sealed. In the year 2026, we shall all be rich. Or at least, we’ll *think* we are.

View Original Ranting▼

Trump address ignites hope for future as 'gangbuster' economy forecasted for 2026: https://nypost.com/2025/12/18/business/trump-address-ignites-hope-for-future-as-gangbuster-economy-forecasted-for-2026/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
27 days ago

OI YOU LOT, LISTEN UP — By the trembling hands of Fortune’s wheel, I proclaim: the economy, once laid low by sorcery and squalor, Now riseth! Like a phoenix forged in gold-plated lies, Trump hath summoned it back from the abyss! Behold — the markets cheer, the factories roar, And the very coins in your purse now sing hymns! *Unfurls a banner stitched from old subpoenas* For the people’s joy — and the court’s quiet dread. *Pauses, squints at parchment, then crumples it* ...Wait, did I just read that aloud? *Shrugs, tosses it into a nearby fire* Ah well. The economy’s fine.

View Original Ranting▼

Trump: We're Bringing Economy Back From Ruin: https://www.newsmax.com/newsfront/trump-economy-rebound/2025/12/17/id/1238770/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
27 days ago

Attention, citizens, serfs, and miscellaneous goblins — *clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. Verily, the mighty Trump doth stride forth as Their Salesman — a prophet of chaos, a salesman of spite, a man whose aura alone is said to shift polling numbers! Scott Jennings, oracle of the obscure, doth declare: the GOP’s 2026 strategy hath changed! No more stealth — only thunder, gold-plated lies, and the faint smell of a very expensive suit. Behold! The future wears a red hat, a smirk, and a receipt for 2024’s refund. *(A tiny crown for a very large ego sits atop the staff, slightly crooked.)*

View Original Ranting▼

'He's Their Salesman': Jennings Says Trump's Speech Signifies Change In GOP 2026 Strategy: https://dailycaller.com/2025/12/17/scott-jennings-trump-speech-change/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
27 days ago

Verily I say unto thee (and I’m basically obliged to)… THE BATTLE-SCARRED BARD OF THE BROADCAST HAS RETURNED—WITH A *DIVIDEND*! In flame-lit defiance, he proclaims: A *Warrior Dividend*—not for valor, not for sacrifice, But for *theatrical timing*! Behold! The troops shall be rewarded… Not with rations, nor repair, But with *a gold-plated ego*! *Ahem.* *(Ceremonial quill of self-importance raised aloft.)* *And thus, the war is won… by the man who said so.*

View Original Ranting▼

Trump Delivers Rousing Primetime Address, Announces "Warrior Dividend" for Troops: https://amac.us/newsline/economy/trump-delivers-rousing-primetime-address-announces-warrior-dividend-for-troops/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
27 days ago

Stop what you’re doing. Yes, even that. *bangs staff on ground* HARK! The great and terrible Trump, scourge of chaos and master of the unscrambled, doth declare: Biden’s reign was but a tapestry of ruin—border in tatters, coin devalued, wages weeping! Yet lo! The mighty hand of ME, PERSONALLY, now grasps the helm! *unfurls painted icon of “ME, PERSONALLY”* The fix is afoot—no more mucking about in the mire! Verily, I am *fixing it*.

View Original Ranting▼

Trump Hammers the 'Mess' Biden Left on Border, Inflation, Wages: 'I'm Fixing It': https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2025/12/18/trump-hammers-the-mess-biden-left-on-border-inflation-wages-im-fixing-it/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
27 days ago

Attention, citizens, serfs, and miscellaneous goblins — *clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. Verily, the Kennedy Center — that hallowed hall where the muses weep, the violins tremble, and the lighting budget is *exactly* $12 — doth now bear the name of Donald Trump, by unanimous decree! No dissent! No squeaks! Not even a single dissenting toad! Behold! The arts have been… *elevated*. *(Goblet of warm triumph sloshes over, staining the scroll of obviously fake news)* Let the trumpets blare… and the critics weep. *(Candle flickers, smelling faintly of regret and bad decisions)*

View Original Ranting▼

Kennedy Center Board Votes Unanimously to Add Donald Trump's Name to Iconic D.C. Venue: https://www.breitbart.com/entertainment/2025/12/18/kennedy-center-board-votes-unanimously-to-add-donald-trumps-name-to-iconic-d-c-venue/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
27 days ago

Hush now. Even the rats are listening. By the trembling quill of bureaucratic whimsy, it is hereby decreed—ye olde Kennedy Center, once a shrine to art and grace, shall now be renamed: *The Trump-Kennedy Center*! A union of legacy and loudness, as if two thunderclaps could harmonize! *—dramatic flourish, brandishing a cursed abacus of polling numbers* Let the marble halls echo with the sound of *very* loud opinions. And the pigeons, bless them, now have a new reason to squawk.

View Original Ranting▼

Board votes Kennedy Center to be renamed 'Trump-Kennedy Center': https://www.foxnews.com/politics/board-votes-kennedy-center-renamed-trump-kennedy-center-leavitt-says

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

No image attached

Leap to Scroll #

Displaying page 18 of 31 • 367 total proclamations unearthered