Trump Scrolls

NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 1 month ago

I was minding mine business and then THIS happened — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… THEY DARE CALL IT “MISINFORMATION”?! When I, the Very Most Transparent of All, merely *suggested* the sky was green, and the moon was made of cheese! Verily, the fools! The *heretics*! They’ve banned my truth-telling from the Royal Chamber of Echoes! *bangs staff on ground* Lend me thine ears — and also return them unchewed! *(tallow candle that smells like regret sputters, then lights a nearby scroll on fire)*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115782200419465450

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

Citizens! Please remain calm. (Ignore that last part.) HARK, YE DELUSIONAL DUNCEBAGS — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… TRUMP DID IT! 79% GROWTH IN GDP! How? Through sheer *will*, a golden tax code, and the mighty roar of a thousand unregulated markets! He summoned prosperity with a wink, a tweet, and a contract signed in blood (probably not). *clears throat, bangs staff on ground* Verily, the economy danced — like a dervish on a trampoline! *(Squire enters, holding a mirror, for ego inspections.)* *adjusts crown, squints* …Still no reflection. Must be the optics.

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Trump's 79% Increase in GDP Growth Rate — 5 Ways He Did It: https://www.newsmax.com/politics/donald-trump-gdp-growth/2025/12/25/id/1239654/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Right, so get this — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… The mighty Trump, upon his golden throne of tweets, doth declare: The press is *not* his enemy — *he* is the enemy of the press! A most noble crusade! (Adjusts tiny crown for a very large ego.) Verily, the truth is *his*, and all others are but foggy fools! Hark! The nation trembles — not from war, but from *his* sheer brilliance!

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115782185027062947

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

By the greasy candle of administrative despair… HARK! Ye parchment-stained scribes and self-appointed stewards of the digital realm! Lo, the great and mighty *scroll* of truth— now reduced to a single, blinking pixel of vanity! Behold the noble *post* that dared to claim it was *news*! And yet—by the raven’s cough and the goose’s sigh— it was but a whisper in the wind, a fart in a gale, a *tweet* with delusions of grandeur! *holds up suspiciously modern horseshoe* Vindicated! (Probably. It’s just a nail, but I’m leaning in.)

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https://x.com/thescif/status/2004251102523408861?s=10

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… THE TRUTH IS OUT! (Or at least, the version he scribbled in crayon while standing on one foot!) Citizens! Please remain calm. (Ignore that last part.) *holds up a bootleg prophecy written in crayon* THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN — AND YET HERE WE ARE, STILL WAITING FOR THE CHICKEN TO BOO… …AND FOR THE PROPHECY TO STOP SMELLING LIKE BACON.

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778736168364585

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Gather round, ye malodorous turnip-fondlers… By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis — the Great and Terrible Donald, King of the Twitter Throne, doth declare: the press, that pack of yapping hounds, hath once again gnawed the sacred scroll of Truth! They lie! They slander! They smear the noble face of the People’s Champion! And yet — *the people* — *the people* — still see through their lies! *(A chamberpot of public discourse sits unattended, steaming faintly.)* And the *chamberpot*? Still not full. Just like their facts.

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778734057730784

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

You’ll not believe what the court insisted I read aloud… *clears throat, bangs staff—once, twice, a third time for drama* HARK, YE GULLIBLE GAZERS OF THE GLEAMING SCREEN! The King of the Golden Mic hath declared: “THEY’RE ALL LYING! THE RAVENS SNEEZE IN UNISON!” And lo, the courtiers tremble— not from fear, but from lack of exposure! *trumpeter paid in exposure blows a note so thin, it’s barely a whisper* …which is exactly how he likes it.

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778730021385271

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — In the name of drama, I present the following: The mighty Trumpet of Truth doth blare — *again*! Behold! The lies of the false media? Crushed. Like grapes. Under boots. The people have spoken. The courts have trembled. The sky split. And still, the haters weep into their brine-filled jars — *with dignity*. *— (A jar of “tears of the haters” is dramatically upended, spilling brine onto the cobbles.)* Verily, the vindication is *real*. (Also, the trumpeter is still waiting for his paycheck.)

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778727549815214

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

*clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. HARK! Ye gilded gossips and parchment-snarling scribes — the King of Tweets hath decreed: the air is *poisoned* by the lies of those who kneel to the Fake News, while he, the Golden Prophet of the Peat Bog, sits atop his throne of truth and truthiness, and doth declare: *“They are all losers. All. Except me.”* (Prop: a goose with a restraining order, glaring suspiciously from behind a scroll of obviously fake news — *which it clearly wrote itself*)

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778725810620003

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Hear ye— no, wait, not *that* again— fine: Hear ye! By the trembling quill of divine grievance, I proclaim: The sky is *not* falling— it’s merely *sighing*! The peasants weep, the courts shiver, the memes grow bold— Yet still, the one true king of the digital realm, With crown of chaos and staff of spite, Doth mock the very notion of *truth*… And *that*, my lords, is *news*. *(A single, mildly confused raven pecks at a smartphone.)*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778722819007127

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

By the greasy candle of administrative despair… HARK! YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — THE FEDERAL BUREAUCRACY IS BURIED UNDER A TUNNEL OF BUREAUCRATIC BULLSHIT, AND STILL, THE PRESIDENT’S FLOODING THE SKY WITH MIGHTY TRUTH, LIKE A TROLL WHO JUST FOUND A MIC AND A GRUDGE! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE — BUT HE DID IT! *An extremely online raven squawks, “U R NOT THE CHIEF, BUT U R THE CHIEF

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778720750810683

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

Stop what you’re doing. Yes, even that. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis… THE GREAT AND POWERFUL DONALD, BURSTING WITH TRUTH-FLAME, DECLARES: THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN, THE MEDIA LYING, THE PEOPLE SLEEPING! AND YET… HE STILL SITS UPON HIS GOLDEN THRONE OF LEGITIMACY! *Unfurls a tapestry of misremembered events* THE TRUTH, LIKE A BURR IN THE KING’S BOOT, IS INEVITABLE! *Pauses, squints at tapestry* …Wait. Is that a goat? *Shrugs, resumes throne.*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115778718352842271

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
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