Trump Scrolls

NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Verily I say unto thee (and I’m basically obliged to)… The throngs of North Carolina roared like a dragon with a sore throat—*ahem*, their loyalty to Michael Whatley is *sacred*. Roy Cooper? A radical left lunatic, nay, a *witch* in a suit, who abandoned his people in their hour of need! Now, to Florida—where meetings brew like cursed potions! A *miracle*! The White House hath declared “Most Favored Nation” Drug Pricing—prices plummeting 300% to 800%! Never seen such mercy in the medical world! The Republicans shall *triumph*! No Democrat could even *dream* of such glory! And on the plane, I watched Jake Paul—*courage incarnate*—face Anthony Joshua like a knight against a giant! A spectacle! A *legend*! *(tucks tiny crown into robes, adjusts with pride)*

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Just leaving North Carolina, where the Crowd was amazing! They will hopefully be voting for Michael Whatley, to be the next Senator. His opponent, former Governor Roy Cooper, is a Radical Left Lunatic who let the people of North Carolina down, especially in time of need. Heading to Florida, with lots of meetings scheduled. Tremendous announcement today, in the White House, on "Most Favored Nation" Drug Pricing. There has never been anything like it in the Medical World. Prices are now dropping at levels never seen before. This alone should win the Midterms for Republicans! No Democrat could have come close to doing it. Prices will be dropping by 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, and even 800%! On the plane I just got to watch the Jake Paul Fight, and he did really well, especially as a display of GREAT Courage against a very talented and large Anthony Joshua. Fantastic Entertainment, but Kudos to Jake for his Stamina, and frankly, Ability, against a much bigger man!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link
about 1 month ago

WE DEIGN TO NOTICE: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) that the Great State of Montana—so very *daring* in its storm-related theatrics—has once more required Our august intervention. Governor Gianforte, whose devotion to dramatics rivals his grasp of meteorology, has been duly informed. We are not amused. Nevertheless, for the sake of appearances, We approve the Emergency Declaration. We LOVE MONTANA—though We suspect this is less about sentiment and more about the fact that We once accidentally liked a meme about a cow. *(Goblet of warm triumph, slightly dusty, sits beside a single, unblinking crow.)*

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I just spoke with Governor Greg Gianforte, of the Great State of Montana, and informed him that I will be approving an Emergency Declaration for Montana for severe storms they experienced this month. I LOVE MONTANA!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link
about 1 month ago

WE DEIGN TO NOTICE: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) THAT TOM EMMER, THE MAJORITY WHIP, SHALL BE HONORED—A VERY SPECIAL EVENT—WHILE WE, IN OUR BATHROBE OF DIGNITY, SIT HERE, SIPPING TEPID TEA. WE ARE NOT AMUSED. YET, FOR THE RECORD: HE IS A FIGHTER. A WINNER. THE MOST TALENTED POLITICIAN IN THE LAND (WE DEIGN TO SAY SO). HE ADVANCES AMERICA FIRST, SECURES THE BORDER, DEFENDS THE SECOND AMENDMENT—ALL WHILE WE DREAM OF A TIME WHEN PEOPLE SHOW UP. HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. (A GOBLIN CLERK STAMPS “IMPORTANT” ON THIS PROCLAMATION—BUT WE STILL DON’T CARE.)

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I'll be in North Carolina tonight at the wonderful Rocky Mount Events Center and, therefore, will not be in attendance at Mar-a-Lago tonight for a very special event honoring the GREAT House Majority Whip, Tom Emmer. He is my great friend, and one of the most talented politicians in our Country. As the Majority Whip of the U.S. House of Representatives, Tom is doing a tremendous job advancing our America First Agenda. He is fighting tirelessly to Grow our Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Promote MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, Strengthen our Military/Veterans, and Defend our always under siege Second Amendment. Tom Emmer is a fighter and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Someone checks behind the curtain. Twice.Link
about 1 month ago

*clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. BE VIGILANT! The vaults of Minnesota bleed gold—nine billion stolen by phantom corsairs from the sands of Somaliland, their hands dipped in cursed coin! They dance in shadows, laughing at our laws, feasting on our trust! Let the catapult aimed at accountability be readied—let it hurl not stone, but righteous fury! The price? Not tomorrow. Not next moon. NOW. The hour is ripe for reckoning, and the Devil himself shall weep at the sight of justice… or at least the *idea* of it. Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.

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Nine Billion Dollars was STOLEN FROM THE STATE OF MINNESOTA by Illegal Somalian Criminals. They must pay a big price, NOW!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link
about 1 month ago

Pray attend: a message from the Realm’s Loudest Man. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — ELIZABETH MACDONALD OF FOXBUSINESS, THE WORLD’S MOST LUMINOUS BUSINESS BRAIN, DOETH UNLOCK THE DEEPEST SECRETS OF THE MARKETPLACE, AND EVEN THE COSMOS BEYOND! Verily, her insights are so vast, they’ve made the ledger of vibes and grievances weep with envy. BY THE SPOON OF DREAMS, SHE IS FANTASTIC.

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Elizabeth MacDonald of FoxBusiness is FANTASTIC. She really understands what is going on in the World of business, and far beyond!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Trumpets sound, though few dare cheer too loud.Link
about 1 month ago

WE DEIGN TO NOTICE: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) that certain *disappointing* individuals have dared to harm our noble Patriots—whose souls, we are pleased to report, were received with full military honors and a slightly overdone floral arrangement. We are not amused. Nevertheless, let it be known under Our Tired Crown: ISIS strongholds in Syria shall face a retaliation so profound, even their *ancient* scrolls (if they have any) will weep. The Syrian Government, a man of *impressive* dedication to greatness, is fully in support—though we are not entirely certain what "greatness" entails. All terrorists: you are warned. You will be hit harder than a bad tax return. **DONALD J. TRUMP** PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA *(A jar of “tears of the haters” sits unopened on the desk.)*

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Because of ISIS's vicious killing of brave American Patriots in Syria, whose beautiful souls I welcomed home to American soil earlier this week in a very dignified ceremony, I am hereby announcing that the United States is inflicting very serious retaliation, just as I promised, on the murderous terrorists responsible. We are striking very strongly against ISIS strongholds in Syria, a place soaked in blood which has many problems, but one that has a bright future if ISIS can be eradicated. The Government of Syria, led by a man who is working very hard to bring Greatness back to Syria, and is fully in support. All terrorists who are evil enough to attack Americans are hereby warned — YOU WILL BE HIT HARDER THAN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN HIT BEFORE IF YOU, IN ANY WAY, ATTACK OR THREATEN THE U.S.A. DONALD J. TRUMPPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

*clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — Elise Stefanik, radiant star of the legislative firmament, doth declare she shall not storm the governor’s throne! A tragedy! A whim! A *sacrilege*! Yet fear not — her brilliance, like a cursed but glorious horseshoe, shall follow her wherever she struts. Great success? Aye. And I, her loyal sycophant, shall chant her name till the crows fall silent. *Gives a suspiciously modern horseshoe a mournful pat.* But lo — the real horror? She might *still* be better than you. *Sniffs.*

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Elise Stefanik, a fantastic person and Congresswoman from New York State, has just announced she won't be running for Governor. Elise is a tremendous talent, regardless of what she does. She will have GREAT success, and I am with her all the way!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— A clerk files it under “Very Important, Obviously.”Link
about 1 month ago

BY THE GRACE OF OUR INFINITE PATIENCE: We deign to notice, yet again, the persistent, *dramatic* appeals from Senator Roger Marshall regarding the state of Kansas—though one wonders how many more storms must be invented before the nation believes they are not, in fact, merely damp grass. Nevertheless, in a moment of unparalleled generosity, We have approved $5.7 million for "recovery," as if Kansas were not already rebuilding with the resilience of a particularly stubborn dandelion. Let it be known: We are not amused. NEVERTHELESS, the funds shall be processed—after three forms, a petition signed in triplicate, and the ceremonial polishing of the suspiciously modern horseshoe.

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I have just informed Senator Roger Marshall that I have approved $5.7 Million Dollars for the wonderful State of Kansas in order to recover from severe storms, tornados, and flooding. These are tough and smart Patriots who love our Country, and will rebuild stronger than ever before!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 1 month ago

Gather round, ye malodorous turnip-fondlers… By the sainted left buttock of St. Wilgefortis — I have bestowed *more gold* upon the La Jolla Band of Luiseno Indians, to mend their shattered community, battered by the wrath of Tropical Storm Hilary! They be *great* folk, truly — not just great, but *great* in the way the sun is great, or a well-timed fart in a cathedral. *Ahem.* (And here, a jar of “tears of the haters” — mostly brine, but *dramatic*.)

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I just approved more money for the La Jolla Band of Luiseno Indians to help them recover from the damage to their Community during Tropical Storm Hilary — They are GREAT people!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 1 month ago

OI YOU LOT, LISTEN UP — Unemployment? Up to 4.5%? *By design.* We’re firing federal ghosts at record speed—no one’s seen this many layoffs since the last plague. Yet! 100% of new jobs? Private sector. *Miraculous.* I could drop it to 2% overnight—just hire people to stand in doorways. *Useless?* Yes. *Great?* Absolutely. The Fake News? Still howling. Let them. *(Pocket relic labeled “TOTAL VINDICATION” flickers, then coughs.)* Sic transit gloria mundi. (He insisteth it doth not.)

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The only reason our Unemployment ticked up to 4.5% is because we are reducing the Government Workforce by numbers that have never been seen before. 100% OF OUR NEW JOBS ARE IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR! I could reduce Unemployment to 2% overnight by just hiring people into the Federal Government, even though those Jobs are not necessary. I wish the Fake News would report the 4.5% correctly. What I am doing is the only way to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The scribe’s candle gutters; ink blots like rain.Link
about 1 month ago

In the year of our Lord 2025, I regret to announce… actually, I don’t. Insurers, those gilded vultures, feast on fear while the people wait—*for care, for cash, for a miracle*. Healthcare gold flows to their coffers like sacramental wine—except the Eucharist is a denial of care. Dems, you who preach justice, why kneel before the altar of profit? *(Plague mask full of opinions, worn with pride)* Sic transit gloria mundi. And yet, they still believe the policy covers the soul. *Even the soul has a deductible.*

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Insurance companies are ripping off America. Healthcare money must go directly to the PEOPLE. Dems must get on board!!!https://nypost.com/2025/12/10/opinion/insurance-companies-are-making-record-profits-off-climate-change-panic-not-facts/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link
about 1 month ago

Behold! And also… endure. DC’s streets—once a crime-ridden tangle of shadows and snack theft—now sparkle with virtue! Trump arrived. Crime fled. The air itself learned to stand at attention! No more lurking, no more looting—just pure, unfiltered civic pride! The city breathes! Cleaner than a monk’s conscience… after *three* confessions! *—(clutches half-eaten leg of mutton like a royal scepter)*

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"Safest DC has ever been. Thank you President Trump!!!"Douglas Murray: Trump cleaned up crime in DC – and taught everyone a lesson in public safety:https://nypost.com/2025/12/18/opinion/douglas-murray-trump-cleaned-up-crime-in-dc-and-taught-everyone-a-lesson-in-public-safety/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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