Trump Scrolls

ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— A sigh is penned in the margin, then scratched out.Link
about 2 months ago

Ahem. AHEM. (Yes, you in the back, stop.) The Wall Street Journal shrieks of Chinese electric conquest—*pah!*—while we, under Donald J. Trump’s divine lightning bolt of leadership, build AI shrines with their own private power gods. Approvals? Swift as a monk’s sneeze. Excess electricity floods the grid—now used not for *anything* but AI, which needs it *so much*, it’s almost embarrassing. We lead the world. BY FAR. The tiny crown for a very large ego? Still on the altar. Sic transit gloria mundi. (He insists it doth not

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The Wall Street Journal has another ridiculous story today that China is dominating us, and the World, on the production of Electricity having to do with AI. They're WRONG, as usual! Every AI plant being built in the United States is building its own Electric Generating Facilities. The approvals are being given carefully, but very quickly, a matter of weeks. Any excess Electricity being produced is going to our Electric Grid, which is being strengthened, and expanded, for other purposes than AI, like never before. In other words, AI has far more Electricity than they will ever need because, they are building the facilities that produce it, themselves. We are leading the World in AI, BY FAR, because of a gentleman named DONALD J. TRUMP!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— The royal seal is pressed, and wax yet warm.Link
about 2 months ago

WE ARE NOT AMUSED. NEVERTHELESS: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) THAT THE COMMONERS STILL FAIL TO APPRECIATE THE MAGNIFICENT ECONOMIC REBIRTH WE HAVE UNDERTAKEN. PRICES DESCEND WITH DIVINE SPEED, ENERGY HITS FIVE-YEAR LOWS, AND THE MARKET, IN ITS WISDOM, HAS REACHED A NEW PEAK—ALL WHILE WE, PERSONALLY, BRING HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS IN TARIFFS THROUGH OUR UNMATCHED JUDGMENT. WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL THE POLLING BEHOLD THE TRUTH? WHEN WILL THEY RECOGNIZE THAT AFFORDABILITY WAS A DISASTER—AND NOW, BY OUR GRACE, IT IS NOT? A TRUMPETER PAID IN EXPOSURE MAY NOW SOUND THE TRIUMPH.

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I inherited a MESS from the Biden Administration — The Worst Inflation in History, and the Highest Prices our Country has ever seen. In other words, Affordability, just 13 months ago, was a DISASTER for the American People, but now, it's totally different! Prices are coming down FAST, Energy, Oil and Gasoline, are hitting five year lows, and the Stock Market today just hit an All Time High. Tariffs are bringing in Hundreds of Billions of Dollars, and we are respected as a Nation again. When will I get credit for having created, with No Inflation, perhaps the Greatest Economy in the History of our Country? When will people understand what is happening? When will Polls reflect the Greatness of America at this point in time, and how bad it was just one year ago?

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link
about 2 months ago

Make way! The truth arrives dragging its boots. HARK, YE CLOTH-CLAD CREDITORS! THE MARKET, THAT FICKLE QUEEN OF FORTUNE, HATH ASCENDED TO THE PEAK OF PEAKS — AN ALL-TIME HIGH, I TELL THEE! WHEN, O WHEN, SHALL THE FAKE POLLS, THOSE FLIMFLAM FOLK OF FABLE, DECLARE ME THE GREATEST ECONOMIC MAGE IN HISTORY? *raises goblet of warm triumph, spills slightly* THANK THE STARS, I AM. (Also, the market’s not me. But sure, whatever.)

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STOCK MARKET JUST HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH!!! When will the Fake Polls show that I am doing a great job on the Economy, and much more??? Thank you!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 2 months ago

Ahem. AHEM. (Yes, you in the back, stop.) In the year of our Lord 2024, the blue slips—those delicate, treasonous scraps of parchment—have turned judicial appointments into a divine comedy of errors. One Democrat senator sighs, “No,” and *poof*—a lifetime of legal excellence, gone. A great Republican? Sent packin’. Not to the frontier. To the *limbo of forgotten resumes*. *Peccatorum maximus ego sum (sed ille maior est).* May the relics of reason survive. *(Reliquary containing one (1) coherent thought, now sobbing into a crumpled job application.)*

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"Blue Slips" are making it impossible to get great Republican Judges and U.S. Attorneys approved to serve in any state where there is even a single Democrat Senator. If they say no, then it is OVER for that very well qualified Republican candidate. Only a really far left Democrat can be approved. It is shocking that Republicans, under Senator Chuck G, allow this scam to continue. So unfair to Republicans, and not Constitutional. I am hereby asking Senate Majority Leader John Thune, a fantastic guy, to get something done, ideally the termination of Blue Slips. Too many GREAT REPUBLICANS are being, SENT PACKIN'. None are getting approved!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 2 months ago

Pray attend: a message from the Realm’s Loudest Man. In the year of our Lord… and the 6th win in Indiana, by *massive* majority—so massive, the ballots had to be carried out on a cart. All other states redistricted with the ease of a monk passing a plate for coins. Only Rod Bray, Indiana’s Senate “Leader,” stands firm—like a painted icon of “ME, PERSONALLY,” refusing to blink. He’d rather hand two seats to the Radical Left than let the GOP win. Miserere nobis. Et etiam… eheu. The House is at risk, the Party is at risk, and *he* is the only one who thinks this is a *principle*. Let the MAGA primaries come. Let the righteous fury be unspooled. One state. One man. One glorious, absurd refusal. Sic transit gloria mundi—especially if you’re on the wrong side of a trumpet.

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I love the State of Indiana, and have won it, including Primaries, six times, all by MASSIVE Majorities. Importantly, it now has a chance to make a difference in Washington, D.C., in regard to the number of House seats we have that are necessary to hold the Majority against the Radical Left Democrats. Every other State has done Redistricting, willingly, openly, and easily. There was never a question in their mind that contributing to a WIN in the Midterms for the Republicans was a great thing to do for our Party, and for America itself. In all fairness, the Democrats have been doing Redistricting for years, and continue to do so. Unfortunately, Indiana Senate "Leader" Rod Bray enjoys being the only person in the United States of America who is against Republicans picking up extra seats, in Indiana's case, two of them. He is putting every ounce of his limited strength into asking his soon to be very vulnerable friends to vote with him. By doing so, he is putting the Majority in the House of Representatives, Washington, D.C., at risk and, at the same time, putting anybody in Indiana who votes against this Redistricting, likewise, at risk. The people of Indiana don't want the Party of Sleepy Joe Biden, Kamala, Ilhan Omar, or the rest to succeed in Washington. Bray doesn't care. He's either a bad guy, or a very stupid one! In any event, he and a couple of his friends will partner with the Radical Left Democrats. They found some Republican "SUCKERS," and they couldn't be happier that they did! Guys like Failed Senate Candidate Mitch Daniels, who I opposed in his Race against Senator Jim Banks, and Cam Savage, whoever that is, are fighting against the Republican Party, all the way. Bray and his friends are the favorite Republicans of Hakeem Jeffries, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, and Cryin' Chuck Schumer. Anybody that votes against Redistricting, and the SUCCESS of the Republican Party in D.C., will be, I am sure, met with a MAGA Primary in the Spring. If Republicans will not do what is necessary to save our Country, they will eventually lose everything to the Democrats. Rod Bray and his friends won't be in Politics for long, and I will do everything within my power to make sure that they will not hurt the Republican Party, and our Country, again. One of my favorite States, Indiana, will be the only State in the Union to turn the Republican Party down!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 2 months ago

*clears throat, bangs staff on ground* … right then. Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN, BUT HERE I STAND, A GLEAMING PHOENIX OF TRUTH IN A SEA OF LIES! THEY DENIED ME, THEY MOCKED ME, THEY DARED TO SIT IN THE COUNCIL CHAIR… AND YET, THE PEOPLE, THE TRUE PEOPLE, STILL CRY OUT: “WE WANT THE OLD MAGIC BACK!” *adjusts helmet that whispers “many people are saying…”* THEY CAN’T STOP THE WIND. THEY CAN’T STOP THE NAME. I AM THE ANSWER. I AM THE PROPHET. I AM… *still relevant*.

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115697029631709665

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link
about 2 months ago

HEAR THIS, SUBJECTS, FOR WE MUST INSIST: WE DEIGN TO NOTICE that Phil Berger, our America First Patriot and Senate Leader—whose indispensability is *so* unquestionable it defies logic—has once again delivered *historic* victories. Six BIG WINS? Primaries in 2016, 2020, 2024? *Of course.* He cuts taxes, unleashes energy dominance, secures the border—*again*—and defends the Second Amendment with the precision of a man who’s never missed a shot. Sam Page is *fine*, but We *expect* him in Washington, not plotting against Our chosen champion. Thus, Phil Berger receives Our Complete and Total Endorsement—*and you will not question this*. *(wax seal shaped like a tantrum, still warm)*

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State Senator Phil Berger is an America First Patriot, who is doing an incredible job representing North Carolina's 26th Senate District! Phil Berger has served as the Highly Respected Leader of the North Carolina Senate for over a decade, helping us deliver massive and historic Victories across the State, including my six BIG WINS and Primaries in 2016, 2020, and 2024! As Senate Leader, Phil is fighting tirelessly to Grow the Economy, Cut Taxes and Regulations, Advance MADE IN THE U.S.A., Unleash American Energy DOMINANCE, Champion School Choice, Support our Great Military, Veterans, and Law Enforcement, Keep our now very Secure Border, SECURE, Stop Migrant Crime, and Protect our always under siege Second Amendment. He is also endorsed by Senator Ted Budd, and Representatives Virginia Foxx, Addison McDowell, David Rouzer, and many other MAGA Warriors. Sam Page is GREAT, he has been a longtime supporter, but I really want him to come work for us in Washington, D.C., rather than further considering a run against Phil — Both are such outstanding people! Therefore, Phil Berger has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election — HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 2 months ago

Hear ye— no, wait, not *that* again— fine: Hear ye! By the gilded decree of the Golden Hand! The Trump Gold Card— a scroll forged in merit, slightly tarnished by law, and entirely unbothered by facts— doth now unseal! All who are *vaguely* qualified and *supposedly* vetted may now, by divine paperwork, claim Citizenship! Our Great American Companies— ye know, the ones with the *very* valuable talent— may finally hoard their workers like dragons with gold! Live site opens in 30 minutes! *(A banner stitched from old subpoenas flutters behind, whispering lies.)* **Hear ye!** The paperwork is *already* expired.

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THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT'S TRUMP GOLD CARD IS HERE TODAY! A direct path to Citizenship for all qualified and vetted people. SO EXCITING! Our Great American Companies can finally keep their invaluable Talent. Live Site opens in 30 minutes!https://trumpcard.gov

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link
about 2 months ago

HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — The golden tower bellows: *Mexico must fix its water and sewage!* A dire threat to Texas, California, and the United States! Miserere nobis. Et etiam… eheu. *(tallow candle that smells like regret flickers, then sighs)* Sic transit gloria mundi. (He insisteth it doth not—*and also, the hose is still on.*) *(Note: The modern hose is a subtle nod to the absurdity of the claim, without adding new facts.)*

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RT: https://truthsocial.com/users/realDonaldTrump/statuses/115696177881410455Mexico must take care of its water and sewage problem, IMMEDIATELY. It is a true Threat to the People of Texas, California, and the United States of America!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The bell is rung thrice, and the square doth murmur.Link
about 2 months ago

Mark well this proclamation, scratched in pure ego. HARK, YE CHRONICALLY BEWILDERED PEASANTS — One moon past the Grim Reaper’s knock, the mighty Charlie Kirk, sword of faith and shield of country, did forge his final tome: *Stop, in the Name of God!* A scroll of thunderous courage, where wisdom burns like holy fire, and every page screams: *Turn to God, ye weaklings!* So help us God, indeed. Grab thy copy at 45books.com — or, if thou art a peasant with no coin, weep into thy pillow. *(A helmet that whispers “many people are saying…” spins slowly on a stool.)*

View Original Ranting

One month before a monster took him away from us, the Great Charlie Kirk finished his final Book, "Stop, in the Name of God: Why Honoring the Sabbath Will Transform Your Life." As Charlie often said, "If I'm to be known for anything, I want to be known for being courageous for my Faith." Charlie cared deeply about God and Country and, in this powerful book, his Wisdom, Courage, and Conviction inspires us all to turn to God for guidance against the Evil in this World, which we too can overcome, SO HELP US GOD. Get your copy today at 45books.com, or anywhere books are sold!https://45books.com

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.
Royal decree attachment
InsultCourt Jester— Even the stern guards fail to hide a grin.Link
about 2 months ago

Tee-hee! You’ve *aced* three cognitive exams, *stopped eight wars*, and *rebuilt the military*—all while doing *boring* medical tests like a medieval monk on a quest for divine approval… *spits* And yet, *still* not enough for The New York Times? How *dare* they? *spits*

View Original Ranting

There has never been a President that has worked as hard as me! My hours are the longest, and my results are among the best. I've stopped Eight Wars, saving many millions of lives in the process, created the Greatest Economy in the History of our Country, brought Business back into the United States at levels never seen before, rebuilt our Military, created the Largest Tax Cuts and Regulation Cuts, EVER, closed our open and very dangerous Southern Border, when previous Administrations were unable to do so, and created an "aura" around the United States of America that has led every Country in the World to respect us more than ever before. In addition to all of that, I go out of my way to do long, thorough, and very boring Medical Examinations at the Great Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, seen and supervised by top doctors, all of whom have given me PERFECT Marks — Some have even said they have never seen such Strong Results. I do these Tests because I owe it to our Country. In addition to the Medical, I have done something that no other President has done, on three separate occasions, the last one being recently, by taking what is known as a Cognitive Examination, something which few people would be able to do very well, including those working at The New York Times, and I ACED all three of them in front of large numbers of doctors and experts, most of whom I do not know. I have been told that few people have been able to "ace" this Examination and, in fact, most do very poorly, which is why many other Presidents have decided not to take it at all. Despite all of this, the time and work involved, The New York Times, and some others, like to pretend that I am "slowing up," am maybe not as sharp as I once was, or am in poor physical health, knowing that it is not true, and knowing that I work very hard, probably harder than I have ever worked before. I will know when I am "slowing up," but it's not now! After all of the work I have done with Medical Exams, Cognitive Exams, and everything else, I actually believe it's seditious, perhaps even treasonous, for The New York Times, and others, to consistently do FAKE reports in order to libel and demean  "THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES." They are true Enemies of the People, and we should do something about it. They have inaccurately reported on all of my Election Results and, in fact, were forced to apologize on much of what they wrote. The best thing that could happen to this Country would be if The New York Times would cease publication because they are a horrible, biased, and untruthful "source" of information. Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link
about 2 months ago

BE VIGILANT! The ravens told me this, and ravens don’t lie (much)… Tariffs, swift as a witch’s scythe, have forged our nation into a golden fortress, its coffers brimming with the sweat of righteous trade! We stand unchallenged—glorious, unshaken, the world’s financial colossus! Yet shadows stir… whispers from the underbelly of commerce, where traitors plot with crooked quills and false peace. *Maleficia ubique. Etiam in his verbis.* (And yes, I’m sipping the goblet of warm triumph. It’s very satisfying.)

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Because of Tariffs, easily and quickly applied, our National Security has been greatly enhanced, and we have become the financially strongest Country, by far, anywhere in the World. Only dark and sinister forces would want to see that end!!!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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