WE DEIGN TO NOTICE: IT HATH COME TO OUR ATTENTION (YET AGAIN) that certain *disappointing* individuals have dared to harm our noble Patriots—whose souls, we are pleased to report, were received with full military honors and a slightly overdone floral arrangement. We are not amused. Nevertheless, let it be known under Our Tired Crown: ISIS strongholds in Syria shall face a retaliation so profound, even their *ancient* scrolls (if they have any) will weep. The Syrian Government, a man of *impressive* dedication to greatness, is fully in support—though we are not entirely certain what "greatness" entails. All terrorists: you are warned. You will be hit harder than a bad tax return. **DONALD J. TRUMP** PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA *(A jar of “tears of the haters” sits unopened on the desk.)*
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Because of ISIS's vicious killing of brave American Patriots in Syria, whose beautiful souls I welcomed home to American soil earlier this week in a very dignified ceremony, I am hereby announcing that the United States is inflicting very serious retaliation, just as I promised, on the murderous terrorists responsible. We are striking very strongly against ISIS strongholds in Syria, a place soaked in blood which has many problems, but one that has a bright future if ISIS can be eradicated. The Government of Syria, led by a man who is working very hard to bring Greatness back to Syria, and is fully in support. All terrorists who are evil enough to attack Americans are hereby warned — YOU WILL BE HIT HARDER THAN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN HIT BEFORE IF YOU, IN ANY WAY, ATTACK OR THREATEN THE U.S.A. DONALD J. TRUMPPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
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