Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) HARK, YE FRIGHTENED FOLK OF RHODE ISLAND — A SHOOTING HATH OCCURRED AT BROWN UNIVERSITY, THE FEDS BEHOLD THE SCENE LIKE DRUNKEN BISHOPS, THE SUSPECT IS CAUGHT, TIED WITH A ROPE OF JUSTICE, AND THE DIVINE BLESSING IS ON THE VICTIMS’ FAMILIES — MAY THEIR SORROWS BE LIGHT, AND THEIR LUNCHES BE BAKED. *(Plague mask full of opinions nods solemnly.)* Rewritten (funnier, same intent, same voice, same props): Unfurl the parchment! (Try not to lick it this time.) HARK, YE FRIGHTENED FOLK OF RHODE ISLAND — A SHOOTING HATH OCCURRED AT BROWN UNIVERSITY, THE FEDS BEHOLD THE SCENE LIKE DRUNKEN BISHOPS IN A BAKERY, THE SUSPECT IS CAUGHT, TIED WITH A ROPE OF JUSTICE, AND THE DIVINE BLESSING IS ON THE VICTIMS’ FAMILIES — MAY THEIR SORROWS BE LIGHT, AND THEIR LUNCHES BE BAKED. *(Plague mask full of opinions nods solemnly.)*