BY ROYAL EDICT: We, the Supreme Scrollmaster, decree: TikTok—once a mere dance floor for minors—now belongs to the Great, American Patriots and Investors, the Biggest in the World. It shall be a Voice. A Very Important Voice. The Youth Vote, so easily swayed, did adore Us in 2024—proof of Our unmatched charm. Let future TikTokers whisper, “He was the one.” Vice President JD Vance, and all courtiers, have earned their place in the Hall of Dramatic Finale. And to President Xi—how *daring* of him to not rage. A single, slightly damp goose shall be sent as a token. (It’s symbolic.)
View Original Ranting▼
I am so happy to have helped in saving TikTok! It will now be owned by a group of Great American Patriots and Investors, the Biggest in the World, and will be an important Voice. Along with other factors, it was responsible for my doing so well with the Youth Vote in the 2024 Presidential Election. I only hope that long into the future I will be remembered by those who use and love TikTok. Thank you to Vice President JD Vance, and all of the others within my Administration, who helped bring this Deal to a very dramatic, final, and beautiful conclusion. I would also like to thank President Xi, of China, for working with us and, ultimately, approving the Deal. He could have gone the other way, but didn't, and is appreciated for his decision. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP
No image attached