Hear ye! Lo! Exclusive transcripts—*still smoldering*—show Trump, in his *glorious* 2025, Spoke for over 13,400 Minutes! A full-time monologue! At 74 percent of events— He didn’t talk to press. He *announced* them. The press? His court jesters. The nation? His captive audience. And the microphone? *Still warm from his last rant.*