Trump Scrolls — The Gilded Jester

NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! Ruddy proclaims— Bessent, squinting through divine fog, Sees seven Trump successes! Seven! Not six, not eight— Seven! As if counting blessings at a royal feast! A tally so precise, It makes the piglet weep. And Ruddy, with a wooden ladle, Stirs the pot of prophecy— “Behold! The numbers!” Who dares question the Seven? Only the unconverted. (And the cabbages. They’re done.)

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Ruddy: Bessent Sees 7 Trump Successes: https://www.newsmax.com/ruddy/chris-ruddy-scott-bessent-donald-trump/2026/01/19/id/1242743/

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! America’s in Davos — by me. GOD bless the confused, the dazzled, the slightly underprepared! ALL shall witness the actual presence! PRESIDENT — not a meme, not a shadow, not a typo! Trumpet blares. A single turnip rolls into frame, sighs. The future? It’s… here.

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America will be well represented in Davos — by me. GOD BLESS YOU ALL! PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! Heading to Davos! Katie shall grill Pavlich at 10 P.M. on NewsNation— a royal court of hot takes and hollow claims! Enjoy— (while the only crown on display is a cabbage, and it’s judging you).

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Heading for Davos! Will be interviewed by Katie Pavlich at 10 P.M. on NewsNation. Enjoy!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! The noble Representative, draped in righteous fury, proclaims: The House of Representatives—holy, infallible, and utterly unbothered by facts— Shall not be trifled with by mere citizens! The people? Oh, they’re just background noise. The Speaker’s gavel? A divine chime. And those who doubt? They shall be fed to the goose. (For drama. And snacks.)

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https://truthsocial.com/@repstutzman/115930377798794346

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! The People’s Mandate convenes— with scrolls of ego, and a jar of dirt to prove they’re “rooted” in wisdom! They cry: “Beware the creeping tyranny of the far-off, the fancy, the… federal!” (Though their throne’s built on the same sand they claim to despise.) They preach liberty— while locking the gates to the marketplace of truth. And so, the people are told: “Trust not the map, only the jar.” —And thus, the lie is served with a wooden ladle.

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https://truthsocial.com/@RepBrianMast/115930472232876992

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— The tavern doors creak open; all ears turn.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! In Alabama, a Pastor doth Credits Trump with Putting Christ back in Christmas! A miracle! A renaissance! A theological Twitter thread! The manger, once cold, now glows—thanks to a man who speaks in slogans and signs in blood-red ink. He blows a rusty spoon like a trumpet. For Christ’s sake—what a farce.

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An Alabama Pastor Credits Trump for Putting 'Christ' Back in Christmas: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/19/us/politics/pastor-travis-johnson-evangelicalism-alabama.html

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A drum beats softly as the proclamation is read.Link

6 days ago

Hear ye! Lo! No single soul—not even a demi-god— has done more for NATO than President Donald J. Trump! If I hadn’t shown up? NATO? Gone. Ash heap of History. Sad? Aye. But TRUE! —drops turnip with a thud

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No single person, or President, has done more for NATO than President Donald J. Trump. If I didn't come along, there would be no NATO right now!!! It would have been in the ash heap of History. Sad, but TRUE!!! President DJT

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ComplaintMonk’s Chronicle— The quill pauses, as if asking, “Truly?”Link

6 days ago

In the Year of Our Lord, the Country weeps—Sleepy Joe Biden, his Radical Left Thugs, and the Auto Pen, that cursed quill of tyranny. The Resolution Desk? A shrine to absurdity. O tempora, o mores! They thought a pen could rewrite reality. A single piglet lies in the corner, chewing on a constitution. They should be in jail!

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The whole problem we are having with criminals in our Country was caused by Sleepy Joe Biden and the Radical Left Thugs that surrounded the Resolution Desk in the Oval Office - And, of course, the Illegal Use of the Auto Pen!!! They should be in jail!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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OrderRoyal Edict— Courtiers bow as the decree is unfurled.Link

6 days ago

BY ROYAL DECREE: The Department of Homeland Security and ICE—ahem, the noble enforcers of order—must stop hiding the real heroes: the murderers, the beasts, the thousands of vicious animals in Minnesota alone. Nationwide, crime stats are the BEST EVER RECORDED—proof we’re not just safe, we’re legendary. Show the Numbers, Names, and Faces. Now. Or the royal goose shall honk in protest. The people will adore the Patriots of ICE, not those overpaid anarchists. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. Again. And again. And again.

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The Department of Homeland Security and ICE must start talking about the murderers and other criminals that they are capturing and taking out of the system. They are saving many innocent lives! There are thousands of vicious animals in Minnesota alone, which is why the crime stats are, Nationwide, the BEST EVER RECORDED! Show the Numbers, Names, and Faces of the violent criminals, and show them NOW. The people will start supporting the Patriots of ICE, instead of the highly paid troublemakers, anarchists, and agitators! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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NewsTown Crier— A goose attempts to heckle; it is ignored with dignity.Link

7 days ago

Hear ye! Behold the humble supplicant, bending knee before the mighty Mark Rutte— Secretary General of NATO! A man so indispensable, his toga alone could repel invasion! (Or at least the paperwork.) Thank, Mark, Rutte, Secretary, General, NATO. (Plops a muddy boot into the royal bowl.)

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Thank you to Mark Rutte, the Secretary General of NATO!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

ParanoiaWitchfinder— Salt is cast in a circle, just to be sure.Link

7 days ago

BE VIGILANT! Shockingly, our "brilliant" NATO Ally, the United Kingdom, is planning to hand over the Island—this sacred rock of strategic might—to Mauritius, for no reason whatsoever. The very idea! China and Russia, those masters of realpolitik, are already sharpening their pencils. One broken cart wheel rolls through the halls of power—watch it turn. The United Kingdom, blind and bumbling, plays into their hands. They must be stopped. The Island is not theirs to give.

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Shockingly, our "brilliant" NATO Ally, the United Kingdom, is currently planning to give away the Island of Diego Garcia, the site of a vital U.S. Military Base, to Mauritius, and to do so FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. There is no doubt that China and Russia have noticed this act of total weakness. These are International Powers who only recognize STRENGTH, which is why the United States of America, under my leadership, is now, after only one year, respected like never before. The UK giving away extremely important land is an act of GREAT STUPIDITY, and is another in a very long line of National Security reasons why Greenland has to be acquired. Denmark and its European Allies have to DO THE RIGHT THING. Thank you for your attention to this matter. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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ParanoiaWitchfinder— Lanterns sway; shadows seem to listen back.Link

7 days ago

BE VIGILANT! The Church in Minnesota was raided—by professionals! Yes, professionals! With screams so perfectly timed, they must’ve rehearsed in a basement full of mirrors. These aren’t people. They’re actors. Lunatics in a script. Walz, that Fake, and the rest—corrupt, rich, and probably plotting with a stray chicken—must be exiled. The Country is under siege by theatrics. Stare into the bucket of slop. They’re already among us. And they’re dramatic.

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Just watched footage of the Church Raid in Minnesota by the agitators and insurrectionists. These people are professionals! No person acts the way they act. They are highly trained to scream, rant, and rave, like lunatics, in a certain manner, just like they are doing. They are troublemakers who should be thrown in jail, or thrown out of the Country. The first to go should be Walz, and Fake Sleazebag, Ilhan Omar, who is supposedly worth over $30 Million Dollars, even though she's never had anything but a Government job. Investigate these Corrupt Politicians, and do it now!

Translated by the court jester.Unofficial satire.

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Displaying page 8 of 31 • 367 total proclamations unearthered

Hear ye! America’s in Davos — by me. GOD bless the confused, the dazzled, the *slightly* underprepared! ALL shall witness the *actual* presence! PRESIDENT — not a meme, not a shadow, not a typo! *Trumpet blares. A single turnip rolls into frame, sighs.* The future? It’s… *here*.

Hear ye! *Heading* to *Davos*! *Katie* shall grill *Pavlich* at 10 P.M. on *NewsNation*— a royal court of hot takes and hollow claims! *Enjoy*— (while the only crown on display is a *cabbage*, and it’s judging you).

Hear ye! Lo! No *single* soul—*not even a demi-god*— has done more for NATO than President Donald J. Trump! If I hadn’t shown up? NATO? Gone. Ash heap of History. Sad? Aye. But TRUE! *—drops turnip with a thud*

Hear ye! Behold the humble supplicant, bending knee before the mighty Mark Rutte— Secretary General of NATO! A man so indispensable, his toga alone could repel invasion! (Or at least the paperwork.) Thank, Mark, Rutte, Secretary, General, NATO. *(Plops a muddy boot into the royal bowl.)*

Hear ye! America’s in Davos — by me. GOD bless the confused, the dazzled, the slightly underprepared! ALL shall witness the actual presence! PRESIDENT — not a meme, not a shadow, not a typo! Trumpet blares. A single turnip rolls into frame, sighs. The future? It’s… here.

Hear ye! Heading to Davos! Katie shall grill Pavlich at 10 P.M. on NewsNation— a royal court of hot takes and hollow claims! Enjoy— (while the only crown on display is a cabbage, and it’s judging you).

Hear ye! Lo! No single soul—not even a demi-god— has done more for NATO than President Donald J. Trump! If I hadn’t shown up? NATO? Gone. Ash heap of History. Sad? Aye. But TRUE! —drops turnip with a thud

Hear ye! Behold the humble supplicant, bending knee before the mighty Mark Rutte— Secretary General of NATO! A man so indispensable, his toga alone could repel invasion! (Or at least the paperwork.) Thank, Mark, Rutte, Secretary, General, NATO. (Plops a muddy boot into the royal bowl.)