BY ROYAL DECREE: We, in our infinite wisdom and unparalleled foresight, have just bestowed upon Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, and the other eight noble territories—yes, even the ones that still believe in compasses—our most solemn Emergency Declarations. Let the bells toll (or perhaps just the microwave, we’re not picky), and let the sack of flour be carried in procession to symbolize our readiness. FEMA, Governors, and State Emergency Management teams shall henceforth kneel in service to our decree. Stay safe, stay warm—though frankly, if you’re not, it’s your own fault. The kingdom is watching. *(A single cabbage sits on the throne, slightly wilted.)*